lime.

"I choose life at all costs."

"I've loved you from the first day. I think I will love you forever."

"I want to die because I no longer believe in love."

"But I hope someday someone will know how to captivate me."

More.

I liked these. (:
The French are so romantic and so in tune with feelings, genuine. I envy them for that.

Hope everyone had a good Christmas. <3

heartbeats.

Things are back in swing. I love how my life does this to me. I freak out to much, and whenever these little bursts of discontent end, I always look back at that bad week or two and laugh. Life is so beautiful and precious. I can't stand wasting a second of it. I think it's enough just to know that you are loved. Nothing else really matters.

My sister is home for the holidays. I didn't even know she was coming down til yesterday morning! Craziness. I'm definitely feeling the holiday spirit this year, for the first time in yeeears. I just feel so close to my family again, everything is just really warm and nice. Idk how to describe it, haha.

I felt my heart beat the other day. I'm still reeling from the adrenaline it caused. Crazy how these things are so unexpected and just whack you in the head when you least expect it, but in a good way. I decided not to pursue it because that's just not what I want right now. But it's nice to feel that kind of thing again, to know I'm capable of it. Yeah (:

I've been listening to a lot of Bright Eyes, Judy Garland, Billie Holiday, and Tegan and Sara lately. It fits my Winter so much.

I've been working a lot lately, it's been nice. So glad I have tonight off and all of Saturday. Party time! I kindov broke my promise of not drinking until New Year's. Oh well, everything is okay in moderation I guess. Ha.

I think I'm gonna start writing less in this, and putting up more pictures instead.

I love my life.

dream

I don't really remember all of it.

First thing I remember is being at someones house with Rene. Everything is normal, we're sitting and talking about the usual things. I don't remember what happens after this.

Next thing I remember is I'm with Kailee, Rene, Alva, and Nick. We're in front of my apartment and I'm getting something out of my mailbox. We hear really loud sounds (this is where it starts getting weird) and 2 huge guys come out of an apartment and are beating the shit out of some other guy I don't know. They don't see us, but we're scared shitless they're going to kill us if we see them, so we run. We go to the school across the street from where I live and there's a body duffel bag where we decide to hide. (idk why). We open it to discover there is already a dead body inside (a kid I knew last year, no one significant to me. idk why he was in there). Nick pulls him out of the body and idk how, but all of us fit in there and hide.

We wait for a while til we think it's okay to come out. When we come out, there is some huge party/bar and its bumpinnn. I forgot why, but we decide to go in there. But, of course, the dude's we saw murdering the other guy are in there and we freak out. Somehow we get split up. Kailee goes off by herself, Rene and Nick, and me and Alva. This house is CRAZY. It's like a maze, so hard to get out of and confusing as hell.

At one point, me and alva decide the only way to get out is by jumping out the window. We get to the window, and it's probably like a good 3 stories high. But we see we can maybe climb down low enough where its safe to jump. We're sitting on the ledge contemplating this when 2 old guys come up to us. I think they were suspicious of what we were doing and started asking us questions. I think I thought they knew we saw someone get murdered so we try to act casual, answer their questions, so we can leave. They eventually go but they give us the creeeeps.

By now, the sidewalk is full of people and it's morning time. We don't care if people see us, we just wanna fucking leave. So we scale the wall (it was really smooth in my dream, neither of us had problems. haha) and when we're finally on the ground outside we're relieved. I see some old friends outside, AJ, dp, others, random ass people. AJ says he hasn't talked to Rene in a while and I start to get scared that maybe him and Nick got caught.

Then I hear a voice say my name, I turn around and it's that girl who played Caitlin in Caitlin's way. (I knowww right!?) And idk, but I guess we know each other. and... she invites us in. I can't really say no, cuz I guess we're friends. But I do not want to go back in there. We end up going back in there.

This bitch is evil. I know it in my dream. I try to leave as fast as possible but we can't. Desperate, me and Alva decide to try to go through the vents and find an exit. We're in the vents searching for an exit when we finally see a turquoise door. Thinking it's an exit, we open it. Only to see Caitlin laughing evilly at us, like some crazy bitch. Like she's trapped us and is about to kill us. The last thing I remember about the dream is her cackling.

The End.
Weird ass fucking dream.

girlllll.

I've always always always said that I'd never get a tattoo. I never really saw the point in such blatant permanency. BUT I think I found a saying that I this is good enough to be tatood on my body.

"Carpe diem quam minimum credula postero."

Latin for, "Sieze the day, put no trust in the future".

I want to remember that everytime I'm having a bad day, or days where I'm too bored, or days where I just don't appreciate anything. Sieze the day.

No idea where I'd get it done, how I'd get it written or anything. But I'm just excited I found something I find important enough to even consider.

Yeah (:

oldoldold pictures <3

i love it.


















seeing these seriously made my night <333

rut.

Days have been going by really slow lately. I wake up earlier, and the mornings seem to drag on. But night still comes to soon and the cold is a little too cold and I've noticed I've been home a whole lot more lately. I hate the slow pace of these days, I hate the gloomy weather, I hate the rain, I miss hanging out with everyone as often. I miss the way the days used to blur together by excitement and summer. I miss adventures, I miss not caring. I find myself having to much free time with not enough interests. I find myself wishing for someone to talk to on the phone late at night. I'm starting to lose it.

I don't know why I waited for Winter for so long. I think I'm going to go crazy by the end of it.

I want to move somewhere where its always sunny.

>_<

I had a good day yesterday. I went to West High for GSA's little Christmas party with Rene. It was weird being in a high school classroom again. I didn't really talk to anyone besides Rene because honestly those kids were kinda weird, getting all hyped about icarly and whatnot. o_0 After that, we went thrifting, got some pizza, walked a little bit, and watched Pineapple Express. I always feel so comfortable and back at center when I hang out with Rene. So thankful to have a friendship like that.

My work situation has gotten better. Since Janette's leaving in a week, I'll be the primary closer. Which means hella hours, which I guess also means no social life since my nights are gonna be taken up. I'm okay with that, I need the money anyways. I guess I'll just chill out for a while. It's Winter anyways, it seems appropriate.

I was looking at my yearbooks from middle school. I wonder what happened to half of those kids? And all the people I lost touch with that were friends. I always hear things about people from middle school. So and so got knocked up, so and so got arrested, so and so got accepted to an Ivy League school. I wish I could talk to all them, catch up and whatnot. That would be pretty cool.

I fucking hate this gloomy ass weather. It puts me in such a bad mood it's ridiculous. Come back sunshine. :(

I think I'll keep this one short.

too many thoughts.

Yesterday was kindov okay. I felt twice as sick as the day before so I just layed in bed and watched some movies. I had to work last night, which wasn't really fun when you're ill. People are so goddamn rude. Learn some fucking manners. >=( When I got out of work there was a group of loud drunk people sitting outside of starbucks. I was listening in on their conversation, which primarily consisted of alcohol, birth control, and sex. Idk, whatever floats their boat I guess. Also, there was a couple arguing hella loud in the parking lot. Some girl was screaming at her boyfriend and it seemed like they had just broken up right there. This girl was like in hysterics though, I could hear her from so far. From what I heard, it sounded like he cheated on her. I just wanted to give her a big hug and tell her everything was gonna be ok, just give it like a month, tons of good food, and good company and you'll get over it.

I finished reading the book Candy today. It's really bittersweet, and I guess kindof a wake up call. I never want my life to go in that direction, EVER. Even if it was with someone I loved. That's way to much.

So it actually did snow in Tracy. My brother woke me up at 6 a.m. and I went outside to see little snowflakes falling from the sky. I've never seen snow before, so it was pretty cool. Even though I was to sick to really enjoy it.

All I want for Christmas is the Freaks and Geeks DVD, which I'll probably end up buying myself anyways. James Franco <3

I registered for Mountain House Delta the other day. I'll be picking my classes tomorrow. Semi-exciting, I just want to be back in school really. This random semester off was fun and all, but I'm so ready to hit the books and study and learn again. Having a school routine doesn't sound to bad either.

I was thinking about Luis's party the other day and how something happened that made me cry, and I realized that what I've been lacking a lot lately is compassion. I remember when I was younger I had a huge heart, like I would seriously cry for other people's grief. And I remember specifically thinking how embarrassing it was how emotional I got about these kind of things and just put up this wall where I didn't feel what other people felt anymore. And that wall was finally broken down at Luis's house the other night. I don't know, I think I just kind of lost sight of things for a while, and I just feel like me again, and it's nice to be back.

Love is a crazy thing. I was thinking about you and I thought of how much I love you, but in such a different way now. I love you, but I don't want you for myself at all. I just want you to be happy and well. It's this unique, unselfish, friendly love I've never felt before. Best wishes to you, you deserve the best, and I'll always be right by your side. You're truly my best friend for life and I'm so glad you're in my life.

Idk why I've been having way to many thoughts lately, about everything. Life, the little things, family, friends. I think December just brings this kind of thing on. It's nice though, to sit and write these things down.

I quit smoking ciggarettes. Shit's bad for you, you know. Don't know why I ever started.

I feel so much better that I've written this all down.

you and me could write a bad romance.

It's finally December, I feel like I've been waiting forever. I really like Winter and how chill everything becomes.

Yesterday Fran posted the music video we made! I really like it, but idk how to post it on here so just look for it on my facebook page (:

Black Friday shopping was a huge success. Alva and I were in the city before the sun even came up. It was hectic, stores were filled with people shoving and pushing and it made shopping kind of irritating. Whatever though.

This week has been kinda to much. I think I really should slow down for a bit. No more thizz, like ever. No drinking until New Year's and not smoking as much. I just want to chill out, I guess. Be sober. Yeah?

2009 is coming to an end. This year was a good one. Unforgettable to say the least. So happy to be starting the new year happy. 2010's gonna be better, bitch. (:

happy thanksgiving (:

mine was well spent this year.

In about 4 hours I'll be doing some major black friday shopping. I'm pretty stoked, I really want to get a sewing machine and a nice coat. I'll be happy if I can get both. If not, I just plan on hella splurging on clothes. Yeah (:

Looks like I won't be going to see Lady Gaga in December. Hella fucking bummed. :((

I pulled a quick stint of having 2 jobs, but that didn't really last long, but I think I'm gonna start looking for another job again.

Things are great, can't really complain about anything. Now that I stop and think about it, I haven't been this happy with life in a whiiile. I think it's because it's Fall. Haha. Whatever the reason, I'm happy to say that I am honestly happy with my life. And it looks like it's gonna stay this way for a while.

Conan time <3 (:

what i'm thankful for.

in no order.

2009, for being a fucking rollercoaster, and being one of the best, worst, and most exciting years i've lived.

my home, which i used to hate, has now become one of my favorite places to be. i've grown to love home and be content with it's simplicity.

my friends, especially the ones i keep close to my heart.

the sun, sky, and flowers. cuz they make me the happiest.

micheals and barnes and noble and target for the endless supply of free stuff.

my mom, for making me laugh so much and being the most good-hearted person i know. my brother for always having something to talk about and being a chill ass little brother. my sister, who i feel just gets me more than anyone in the family. my dad for keeping everything together, which i know took a lot of strength.

new friends, old friends.

weekday mornings for keeping me sane and giving me peace of mind and something to look forward to.

ciggarette breaks by myself and the walks i go on.

marijuana and all the good things it's brang to my life. tehe.

journals, for giving me a place to vent.

my ipod and stereo for giving me things to think about and without i think i'd die of boredom.

yeah (:

#bestfeeling

Thank twitter for the trending topic.
All the things that make me happy. (:

-Finding happiness in simplicity and everyday occurences.
-Electronic music.
-Being around the people who bring out the best in me.
-Nintendo/Mario games.
-Sunshine, blue skies, and flowers.
-Teenage Riot behavior
-Blissful drunkness
-Thick blankets and hot chocolate in December
-Epitomes
-Finding yourself.
-Happiness in chaos
-Having a really good day after multiple crappy ones, and realizing that life is beautiful, and things really aren't that bad.
-Oprah.
-Old friends. There's nothing more comforting.
-My mom, and her cooking.
-Shared experiences that will be remembered for a life time.
-Inside jokes with your family.
-The smell of clean laundry.
-Finding your place and defining moments.
-Falling asleep thinking of a special person.
-Holding hands, but only if they're warm.
-Painted fingernails.
-Love.
-Friendships that lead to bestfriendships.
-Feeling free, and feeling infinite.
-Good books that I have to share with friends.
-Solitude and being independant.
-Feeling like you're enough.
-Writing in sand.
-Heading back from a road trip, everyone is quiet and half asleep, with soft music playing in the background that makes everyone think.
-Being 18.
-Swinging
-Positive thinking.
-Old pictures, old memories.
-Being so in love with someone it takes 20 minutes just to say bye because you don't really want to leave each other.
-Crazy uncharacteristic nights, because they make good stories.
-Sushi and chopsticks
-Songs that are so good you have to repeat them
-Making things for people's birthday.
-Writing letters
-Writing love letters
-Writing.
-Silences that aren't awkward, cause you're just that good of friends with some people.


Dunno what the point of this was (: Just some things I wanted to write down.

happynovember.

Time flies.

Halloween was pretty fun. It was kinda depressing witnessing the lack of Halloween spirit this year. Almost no houses or businesses were decorated. I wonder why?

I snuck into West High's homecoming rally on Wednesday with some friends. I walked in with all the seniors and it felt really surreal. I never walked in with the seniors at Tracy High's rally, so I kinda made up for it? Ha. Sometimes I wish I would've went to West. I think I would've liked high school a lot more.

I started writing something new. Don't know if it's gonna be good or not, we'll see! I also really want to finish something that I started writing a few years ago but never finished. I've added some things here and there, but I've been completley neglecting it. I think that's my new goal; finish that piece! Ha.

I'm looking for a second job, or a new job entirely. Cold Stone isn't cutting it.

I've been listening to a lot of old cd's. It keeps me up at night and I wonder.

fuck you very much.

Good ass week. (: Don't feel like typing everything that happened. Except that Jemina Pearl mean mugged us, that bitch. She's crazy for thinking we were gonna pay $14 to see her. Haha. And Kyle's halloween party was epic. And a naked dude gave Alva the stink eye, even though he was naked. And I walked around crowded-ass hometown buffet with only pantyhose and a shirt on. Fuck pants! And the candy store was giving away everything for freee. And being drunk in public is fun. Yeah. (:

So glad I got to relax at home today. I just realized how out of touch I am with everything at home. I really just don't want to deal with it. For the first time, I'm really starting to feel like I want to move out.

Can't wait til Halloweeeen! (:

ticktock.

I've been slaving away working on my Halloween costume for the past couple days. Crazy how I've never really sewn or made anything before, and the first thing I try is this hella complicated costume. Haha. I'm really hoping I finish it by Saturday. I think I'm almost done? Yeah (:

I haven't slept at home for the past 3 days. I like how my dad has been trying to keep tabs on me latley. Really? You didn't parent me for the first 18 years of my life and you want to start now? Nooo way.

Yesterday I registered to Las Po. I'm pretty excited to start going back to school! I'm so glad I took a semester off though. eeek I'm excited (:

Tomorrow Alva, AJ, and I are gonna see Jimena Pearl in the city then crashing at AJ's.

It's been a pretty good week (: I love my new friends <3

october is almost over :(

I'm getting lazy with this blog again.

This weekend was eventful. Friday Alva and I bought our fabric for our costumes. I gotta work on miines :o Rene, Alva, Nick and I went to the pumpkin patch later that night. They had a ziplining station and we all went on it! Too bad I was wearing a skirt and probably flashed all the little kids. Haha. "Miss Swan flying through the air!" =D

And last night I went to Sac with Kayron and Aubeezy for our friend's birthdayy. It was pretty sick, met hekka new people and had fun (: We crashed at zach's and he made us noodles and played super mario and toked it all night. Haha.

I love the weather latley. I need some new cute Winter clothes! =D

Sleep time (:

killahh.

So yesterday Alva and I went to Modesto in the middle of a huuuge storm. It was pretty crazy, a few streets were hella flooded. We went downtown and went into the "Beads" store. I would've totally made a sick ass bracelet if i had hella moneys. The "U" fell off the subway sign and the lady working there reminded me of Bon Qui Qui. Fun (: Back in Tracy we went to Mamie's and chilled with the central Tracy crew + others. I don't think I'll ever get tired of her house.

My Halloween costume's gonna be siiick! I can't wait! I reallyyy hope I don't work >=(

Gonna see Where the Wild Things are on Friday with AJ and Kyle. That movie better live up to all its hype or I'm gonna be mad.

I want to writeeeeee. I just have no idea what to write about.

dominos.

Welcoming a new era in life. It's weird, the past month or so I've met so many people and do different things and care about other shit. It's nice. It really feels like a fresh start. To Carl Young, Weed, and the Gays.

Back at Square One. Everything is so messy and complicated to the point where I don't even want to think about it. It's horrible now, but it's necessary. I need to pick up and move on. I can't let this get to me like I've been doing for a while now.

I hit rock bottom tonight. Things can only go up.

I'm trying to tire myself out so I can just sleep and not think.

I wonder if I can make this blog private? Really, I just use it to vent. I don't really want people to read it, but I don't think people do anyways. Hm.

content (:

Last night was needed so bad. I feel like my head is cleared and everything I was upset about dissappeared. It's nice (:

My birthday was pretty awesome too. I loved getting out of Tracy.

I love my friends, so much!

shadowplay.

It's really weird how everything has changed. Looking back just 4 months ago, to now. It's like it's been a complete 360. I don't know :/

My birthday is in 2 days. I don't think it's gonna be anything special.

Mehhh.




You're hot then you're cold.
& it's so confusinggg.

ugh.

fuuuuck everything dude.
forreals.

october is here

I have the worst headache in the world right now.

I've been in a funk latley. A lot of things have been irritating me and I don't even feel like trying. Sorry if I've been mean to you =P Today I actually got to relax though. I love my mom. Let's hope it lasts.

So I'm not going to Lovefest, but I guess I'm going up to Sac Saturday night for some party. Should be interesting.

I don't even know anymoreeee. I try to much.
Mah!

I like to write.

An exerpt:



It was a strange feeling, all five of us together again. Nevertheless, we all fell back into our usual places. Anna and Jason were holding hands while Charles, John, and myself trailed behind. We were back at the river bank. I remembered the last time we were here and how different we all were now.
“Hey I have an idea.” I offered. “I wanna be an airplane.”
“Um, that’s not really an idea.” Anna said, in that way she talks when she’s confused.
I lifted my arms up horizontally and started running. The sun shined on my face and I could feel the tall grass scratching against my bare legs.
“C’mon! It’s fun!” I yelled back.
“Oh, what the hell.” Anna said, and began running with me.
“Vroom!” I yelled.
“Turn left! Turn left!” Anna said as she approached me.
We laughed at how ridiculous this all probably sounded, but that’s just the way Anna and I were. We laughed at stupid things together and did even more stupid things together. That’s why she was my best friend. We laughed as we ran farther and farther until we were both out of breath.
We turned around to see the guys as tiny as ants. I guess we ran to far from them.
“Do you think what we have is real?” Anna asked me.
“What? Of course. You guys are so in love.” I replied.
“Yeah.”
“Well look on the bright side, if you guys don’t get married, you can still marry me.” I said jokingly.
“Your seriously like a sister to me.”
“Oh stop with the seriousness”
We just looked at each other. I guess Anna felt like she had to tell me this. Are friendship had changed since that first day at the party. Even after that, I still considered her my best friend. Isn’t that why best friend’s stay best friends? Because you can’t break the bond that easily?
The guys were finally catching up to us. The sun sat lazily on the sky and began to sink beneath the ground. We all sat in circle. John next to Jason next to Anna next to me next to Charles.
“I’m sorry.” I said. I couldn’t help myself. I needed to say it.
“Don’t be.” Charles said. “What happened is over.”
Everyone understood what Charles was trying to say. All that was important now was all the good times we shared together.

We all sat together taking every second in greedily. The night was just to perfect to spend arguing. All the petty fights ended here. There was no such thing anymore. These were my four best friends. They were the people who had made my life so much more shaken up, in a good way.
The sun was almost finished setting and soon enough we were sitting together all alone in the dark. The howl of the wind grew stronger and the hush of the river became more apparent. The feeling of comprehension was sinking in. We knew this moment wasn’t going to last forever. This momentary time of peace between everyone was not going to hold. After this night we all had other things to do. Never again would there be another occurrence like this. We all knew it was going to happen and there was no stopping it.
I turned my head to where John was sitting. He also was looking back at me. Ambivalent feelings ran through my head. This boy. He had changed me from the day I met him. He made me want to scream at the top of my lungs and laugh at the world. He brought the spark back into the center of my world and made me feel alive. At the same time, this was the same person who broke my heart and taught me what it’s like to get stabbed in the back. But today, this didn’t matter. I just wanted to tell him how much I truly loved him and how much I really did care. He had found the hole in my heart and stuffed his way in there. He fixed what was wrong and made it okay for me to feel again. He was as a part of me as my own soul was. There was no getting him out.
At this moment I would have given anything to have him in my arms and it would just be me and him. But I knew this was impossible. It was never going to happen. Besides, I’m sure he knew just how I felt. I didn’t have to tell him. So instead I just sat back, quickly turned my head back and held my tongue. I gazed at the big dark sky and remembered what he had told me before. That I deserve to be happy.
Me and my four best friends sat in silence in a mutual agreement that we would never forget each other, no matter how far we go. No matter what happens, whether it be in the past or the future. Everything had been established without anything ever having to be said. I tilted my head up and looked up at the sky, taking in every second greedily.
_____________________________________________________________________________________

i get by with a little help from my friends.

Today is the first day I wake up feeling happy. Thank god for my friends. Had some good conversation with kayron. She gave me so much insight and support. Never settle for less than the best, only give and take the best.

Music has been extremley theraputic latley. So many songs have so much more meaning than before. Lyrics I didn't understand before are suddenly clear to me. Songs I overlooked before are now playing on repeat.

"I cannot forget,
refuse to regret,
So glad I met you and
Take my breath away,
Make everyday
Worth all of the pain that I've gone through.
And mama, I've been cryin
Cause things ain't how they used to be
She said, "the battles almost won
And we're only several miles from the sun".

I guess I've accepted things. I'm not bitter, though I'm not OK with it either. It's just there. Just keep swimming, I guess.

I'm gonna be ok.

dont know.

I tried to write in my journal. Nothing. I cant write anything. It's like the life has been sucked out of my body. I never want to eat. I feel heavy all the time. Weighed down. I haven't sang or smiled or talked to my family since....

I cry at work, at home, in public. When I get a moment alone to think it just starts again. I can't stop it. I feel like this is never going to end.

I feel numb with bursts of intense emotions in between.

When will this all go away. I just want to forget everything.

Why am I crying over someone that didnt even give a fuck about me. He's probably already moved on to the next victim.

Fuck everything. I feel useless.

I was a dreamer before you went and let me down.

I don't even know what to think anymore. I feel like I've just been crying. All of last night. While I was trying to sleep. This morning. It won't stop.

It was never real. No, YOU were never real. I put in so much. What I felt was real. My commitment was real. I put you before everything, just for you to fuck around behind my back. And I'm not sure how to feel because I've never felt how I felt for you for anybody else. I'm so hurt. My hands are still shaking and a whole nights already gone by. The wound still feels as fresh as it did last night.

You told me how all those other girls were so fucked up to you and how you were hurt so bad by them. I was the one that wasn't going to do that to you. I was so down for you forever. I didn't see anybody else. I deserve better than that.

This whole time? God I'm so dumb. It wasn't real. It wasn't real. It wasn't real. It's been a big lie. I should've known before I got so deep.

You said you changed. I believed you.

At least I know now.

The world keeps spinning regardless of my broken heart. I guess I just have to keep moving too. It hurts so much. More than anything I've ever felt. You're gone now. It's never going to be the same.

You're gone.

yeshhhh.

5 days marijuanna freee :D haha.

I've been feeling good.
Been working, going to the gym, staying sober, eating better.

It's nice. I feel good.

If only EJ was home.

I need to save up to buy a car by the end of this year.

Yard sale tomorrow. Making some more moneysss.

Yupp <3

absence makes the heart grow fonder

"Love is a temporary madness. It erupts like an earthquake and then subsides. And when it subsides you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots have become so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is. Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the promulgation of promises of eternal passion. That is just being "in love" which any of us can convince ourselves we are.

Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away, and this is both an art and a fortunate accident. Your mother and I had it, we had roots that grew towards each other underground, and when all the pretty blossom had fallen from our branches we found that we were one tree and not two."

- Captain Corelli's Mandolin


<3 I love you and I miss you so much. It's almost unbearable.

i never blog anymore.

No college for me. Looks like I'll be staying in Tracy for a while. Whatever, I have to do what's best for me.

I'm so tired. Staying out so late all the time is taking it's toll on me.

Hm. Idk what else I guess.

This blog is hella killed.

pink.

Yeah I never write in this thing anymore.

I just woke up from the weirdest dream ever. Hm.
EJ's birthday was a lot of funnn.
I'm pretty much set for all the rest of the college stuff I had to do.
I don't work toooo much this week. Yay.

Everything good.

:)

hm.

Things have been good latley.

Sometimes I wish I had more friends, and that I opened up more. Sometimes I wish I cared about certain things, but when it comes down to it, I think I am honestly happy with the few but amazing friends that I do have.

Yesterday EJ and I went to see Transformers. We went to the movies at 10 to buy tickets, but all shows were sold out. So we just went back to EJ's house and watched s. Darko. It wasn't even thaaat bad, but the DVD wasn't working right so we didn't finish it. Oh well.

Karen and I have saved $2000. (:

I might dye my hair.

I want to cook something.

>_<

All I've been doing today is read magazines about useless ass stuff. Like who Miley Cyrus is dating and which mascara is better and how Lady Gaga used to do crack. People really care about that stuff?

Anyways, yesterday was my day off and it was so nice to relax.

I'm getting nervous about college stuff. I just realized I need to start looking into loans, send in proof of my taxes, sign up for registration, and save up money. I just don't feel like doing any of it right now.

I feel lightheaded.

Work 6-11 tonight. woo.

.

I feel weird right now. I've been doing a lot of thinking. To be sure of myself is probably the one thing I want most. That's it. Everything negative I've ever thought of myself, every reason that holds me back stems from my own self doubt. I wish I could reach out and open up. I want so badly to be a part of what's in front of me, but I still feel incapable. I want to be more than just 'there'. I want so badly to be a part of things. And I feel stupid because everyone is letting me in, I think they even want me to be a part of it, but it's like an internal battle with myself to join. I'm so scared of being judged badly, ending things in bad notes, that I'd rather not open up at all. But I don't want to be like that anymore. I'm realizing this is how I've been for a long time now. I'm pretty sure almost none of my friends even know who I really truly am.

I can't keep shutting people out of my life anymore. My biggest fear is to be lonely. I realize this is all probably in my head, I wish I could break out of these walls I've built so high, that not even I can climb out of them. I feel trapped. I want this so bad, but I don't know if I can bring myself to do it.

I'm just scared.

The worst battles are the ones against yourself.

amazing

So today I graduated from High School. I can't believe I actually did it! 4 years of hard work, heart breaks, fake friends, real friends, finding my place, tears, and smiles. These past 4 years really have tested me and when I look back, I feel like I made all the right decisions. Everything worked out in the end, and at this point I'm so happy to be where I am. What's next? Who knows. I'll be moving to Sacramento in September. I can't even imagine what's going to happen.

In all honesty, when I think of high school, I'll remember all the friends I made, even the ones I lost. The people I used to call my 'best'. All the new things I've tried, even if I failed at them. All the hard work I spent my junior year for a 4.0. The first show I went to at the cellar. Freshman year, the most awkward year of my life. Weekends with Rene. Chemistry and lunch with Tina. Becoming good friends with Nicole all over again. Amanda always being there with me through absolutley everything, and showing me what a true best friend is. My EJ, and all the love he's shown me. Sophomore English with Joe and Guillermo. Senor Leon, Mr. Hood, Mr. Drouin, Sawyer, Mistahhh Brown, Goichafea (haha), Eckman, Nunn, and all the cool teachers I had. I'll remember the hole in my locker that everyone put their food wrappers in (jerks!). Breakfast with Panda. Brandon and his car. My first journalism interview. Mondays with Karen. Smoking my first cig. All Halloweens.

I'll remember so much <3
Thank you for being a part of it.

mkay.

Damn I havent blogged in so long.

Today I went to Saturday School. It was lame as hell. I had absolutley nothing to do so I started writing a story. I'm not sure if I like it to much. It feels a little to personal. I always told myself I wouldn't write a book about me. But anyways, it felt so nice just to sit and write. I feel like I've been to busy lately with work and trying to finish the school year off with good grades I've forgotten to do the things I like to do. Writing is amazing. I know I'm meant to do it.

I closed the past 2 nights at work. It's not that bad, not that bad at all. I used to hate working. I was actually really looking forward to it today. I don't know. I just guess I'm sick of being so resentful all the time. Especially the last few months.

I'm realizing I'm finishing high school with flaws I thought I'd break away from by the time high school ended. Yes, I've changed in numerous ways, but the person I don't like is still there. Lately I've just been doing things for myself. I'm to much of a people pleaser and don't care enough for myself. That needs to change, and it is.

That's probably the main thing in my life right now. God I'm so sick of trying to please everyone. Sometimes I don't even know if I know who I am. I absolutley refuse to 'live' like that anymore.

On another note, I now see you as an ugly stain in my life. I cannot stand you any longer. You bring me down more than anyone. You deceive people with your fake smile, your fake voice. You saw me as a weak person and you took advantage of that. You're not better than anybody, even though you think you're so damn superior to everyone around you. I hate how uncomfortable you make me feel. I can't be myself with you. Do everyone a favor and get over yourself.

I am shedding everything negative in my life. I will surround myself with people I want to surround myself with. I will put myself before others, not selfishly, but as any self-respecting person should. I will be myself.

Tomorrow will be an adventure. I'm gonna get a super awesome tan. (:

That's it. Goodnight.

Finally Home!

So today, I finally came home from Science Camp. My experience there was good and bad. Most of the kids I had were so fun to be around, with a few exceptions. At some points I wanted to strangle those little fuckers, but I survived. It's so weird not to listen to music or watch T.V. or be surrounded by buildings. I got so used to hearing campfire songs and being surrounded by redwood trees, it was soo weird to come back home and hear REAL music and see buildings. Idk, I think it's something you have to experience yourself. Some crazy shit happened up there and the sherriff even came down and I was questioned. Sixth graders nowadays are freakin CRAZY! How do they know so much about sex and drugs? WTF?

Anyways, I'm so glad I met new people, like Sahar and Vanessa. If I didn't have them to vent to, I probably would have shot myself.

Tonight was a good night. Some of the cabin leaders and some other people went to dinner. We were all just so happy to be back in Tracy. And thats weird because I hate Tracy. Kayron and I went to Barnes and Nobles and did some other shit. Hekka good way to end this week.

Tomorrow is a busy day, but it's gonna be funnn. I can't wait.


Science Camp Quotes from various people:
"Like yah, I totally get it now, like a sea star, Yah!" Hahahaha (:
"You are not da worthy one squirelllll"
"YOU RETARD!!!"
"JOY, Gabby's hitting me AGAIN!"
"Everybody loves Shakira WOOT WOOT!"
"Do you have a PSP?"
"I wasn't sure if it was a dick, so I asked her because she would know!"
"OH MY GOD, THAT'S A FUCKING DICK!"
"You can see his nipple rings through his tight shirt!"
"Caitlin! Oh, I mean Cassie! No wait, I mean Crystal!"
"WAIT FOR ME!!.... or i'll kick your fucking ass"

Yeahhhhh. (:

i d k

Tomorrow I leave for Science Camp. I can't wait to get out of this town.




I'm sick of feeling like I'm the only one who wants this anymore. I wish it would just end already.

4/20

Today the smiley sun was out all day :)

Today was a good day, tomorrow will be too.

Everythings been going smooth.

That's pretty much it for now.

awesome.

This weekend has been pretty awesome.

So yesterday was Easter and I thought it was going to be a really shitty day cause I was supposed to work all day and EJ was going home. It turned out a lottt better. I got out of work early, at 6. And I went with EJ and his parents to Sacramento. It's weird how I feel really comfortable with his parents and sisters. It's pretty cool =] haha.

I also got my Cal Grant results back. I got $3,354! Yay! I'm suuuper excited! So it's official, I am going to attend Sacramento State University this fall. It's pretty much a done deal. I'm so excited and happy and yeah =]]

the days go by oh so slow

Seriouslyyy. Today was the slowest day of my life. It was ridiculouss. I'm so excited for Spring Break. Not sure what I'm doing yet but I'm just glad I don't have to go to school. =D

I work 6 days this week. I'm actually pretty excited. Moneyy!

So yesterday they found the missing girl, Sandra Cantu, dead. It's so sad to think about what happened. I cannot cannot cannot imagine what it would be like for something like that to happen to my family. My heart goes out to all of those affected. What sickens me the most is imagining what her last days must have been like. She must have been in horror and so scared. God. This is what affects me the most. I don't understand some people anymore. How can you do that to another human being? It's disgusting. I wish I could do something to help. That's so fucked up.

Rest in Peace, Sanda Cantu.

train ride.

This week has been so amazing. I already miss EJ. And Mooose!

Earlier today EJ and I were talking about stuff from the past. I kinda feel like a n00b when it comes to this relationship because I've never had anything like it. It's like re-writing all my previous knowledge of what a relationship is supposed to be with something new. It's weird.

I missed way to much school last week. I have to go a full week this time, and Saturday School. Blahhhhh.

Hm. That's it I guesss.

sleeepy.

My voice is almost completley gone. I sound funny, like all raspy and shit. Gay. I hate being sick. Fucking shittyyy.

Other than that, this week has been amazing. This weekend will be too. I'm gonna be sad when EJ goes home. He's my favorite =D

Senior Breakfast was sooo fun. I was sick as hell but i still went. Me and Karen were Fook Mi and Fook Yu. I lost my glasses while I was dancing. I swear to god, those glasses are cursed. I always lose them. But I had so much fun.

I'm tired of my job.

School doesnt start til 10 tomorrow =D

I'm so tired. Damn you Ny Quil.

Poke Her Face?

This weekend was soo busy, but I'm glad I hung out with people. I'm super excited for senior breakfast tomorrow. It's gonna be awesome! I hope people don't say anything bad about my costume. Haha.

EJ is finally home (: I love seeing him. He's such a good boyfriend. I've been sick since Monday and he's been taking care of me and making me feel better (:

I work a lotttt this week and next week. Yay! More moneyyy =] But I have Saturday off and I reeeally wanna go to the carnival!

I haven't gone to school all week. But I doubt I missed anything. It's almost over! Super excited. 2 months left.

Some people are extremley self centered. Super annoying.

I need to finish my paper!

idk what to title this.

I didn't go to school today after going for 2 and a half weeks. That's pretty good, for someone like me. Haha. So the other day I went dress shopping for Nicole's 18th birthday. I officially hate the Tracy Mall. They don't have shiiit.

I think I might be going to science camp! I'm pretty excited!

EJ comes home Friday for a week. I can't waiiit! I haven't seen him in soo long.

This next week is about to be hella busy. I don't even know how I'm gonna do everything. Blahh!

I have a 2000 word paper do Friday. I should be doing that instead of blogging.

humans suck.

This website has the most amazing/depressing pictures ever.
http://photosthatchangedtheworld.com

I wish I could change the world.

cause i honestly believed in you.

Work was really fun today, surprisingly. I'm gonna miss working at this Cold Stone when/if I leave.

Today I was listening to this really old lady talking to this younger lady talk to her about her life. She was talking about how she was so in love with this guy who was so handsome, but he ended up abusing her and doing crack. And, the younger lady she was talking to was going through something similar. I don't know why, but hearing them talk really touched me. When I'm older, I want to look back and feel my life had meaning. I've always thought that I could do something really amazing for the greater good of the world. Honestly, latley I've been in such a cloud of cynicism and I hate it. Everything used to look so different to me.

I miss hanging out with my friends. I feel like I gave a lot of that up. I'm going to try more to spend more time with them. Especially Amanda and Nicole. I like, never hang out with them anymore and they're my 2 closest friends. I'm sorry.

I'm done with letting myself get sooo down over some BS. I hate letting anybody else effect the mood I'm in. I'm going to stand next to what I believe in and what my instincts tell me. This may sound selfish, but I'm looking out for myself now.

Something's missing.

Saturday School tomorrow. Good Night.

happy saturday.

So yesterday is the first friday I've had off in foreverrr. I hung out with Amanda and went shopping. It was a whole lot of funnn. We never hang out enough.

I was supposed to get up really early, go to saturday school, go to the gym, and go to work. I woke up at like 12:30 and I'm suuuper tired right now. I don't even know why. I'm always super tired and I hate it. I never get to do shit. Blahh!

I'm gonna get something pierced, but idk what. Either my monroe, nose, or tongue.

I spent so much money yesterday. I really, really need to start saving. Or I'm gonna end up being a bum next year =o

I had another really weird dream. I was in some city or something that was abandoned. And then I time traveled back to halloween and it was scary. Idk. It was weird. =/

It seems like EJ won't be home for forever =(. Dangit.

That's itttt.

Amazing Day

Today I went to Sac with EJ's parents. I thought it would be a really awkward car ride, but it wasn't that bad. It's weird how I used to think EJ's mom hated me. But I think she actually really likes me. Ha. I got to see a lot more of Sac than the last time I was there. I really really like it! I feel it suits me well, if that makes sense. I'm glad I got to spend more time with EJ. He's amazing. =]

I've come to terms with a few things latley. I don't get mad at certain things anymore. Yay for balance and rationalizing.

After 15 quarters of high school, I've only got 1 more left. Feels pretty awesome.

So for senior activities, I've decided that I'm not going to Disneyland or Senior Beach Day. Disneyland isn't worth the money, and I don't want to go with a whole bunch of douches. The thought of Beach Day disgusts me. Everyone peeing in the pool, a whole bunch of sweaty people, surrounded by people I don't even like. Ick.

I can't stop listening to The Spill Canvas. I'm gonna ask EJ to gimme one of their albums later.

strawberry banana pancakes.

Today is the funnest I've had in such a long time! So I didn't go to school yesterday and I was walking to my locker and I see Karen and she's like "hey do you wanna go to ihop?" and of course I said yes. We though we were gonna come back for 2nd or at the latest 3rd period, buuut we were just like fuck it, lets just go back to school 5th period. 5th rolls around, and we were just like fuck it! Were not going back! haha. We got free french fries & lemonade, went to blue moon, went to the mall and some random ass park. Oh and I smoked my first cig today haha. Djarum Black! woot!

And on Saturday, I went to Sac with Karen and her fran, and it was funn =] even though we didnt get to go to the zoo.

Welp, today made me feel a whole lot better, which reminds of things. UGH!

k well im getting off this thing!

The past few days.

I feel really really bad for getting into an argument with my mom earlier today. Over something so trivial. I should be a lot more appreciative.

I actually knew what I was going today on my math test, no thanks to my teacher. It was all stuff that I remembered from last year.

Mr. Nunn heard me say that I hate his class today. He pretty much bitched at me and said "I don't care if you hate this class." If you didn't then why are you bitching at me.

I need to go to Saturday School tomorrow. It's fucking hard to go a full week of school AND saturday school. Eff that.

A very good friend of mine got hurt last night by some moronic guy who didn't know what he had. Why can't people see when they have someone so genuine in front of them? His loss.

Breaking Dawn is really good so far. It makes me want to write something of my own.

We're studying Dysfunctional Behavior in pyschology. Really interesting stuff.

I have the worst luck. I went to the post office yesterday, and they closed at 6:00. It was 6:03 when I got there. :/

Sometimes I don't know if this is how things are supposed to be.

puzzle pieces.

I feel really crunched on time, even though deadlines aren't even that close. I guess I'm just stressing I won't get shit done, like in the past. I guess this is a better alternative. At least I know in the end I'll get stuff done.

I'm finding that things I used to find interesting are actually quite boring now. Isn't that weird how that happens?

I've decided that writing is my calling. I want to pursue it. I've never really written anything big, but now that I think about it, writing is the only medium that I've felt comfortable with and could do without much effort.

I've also decided that I am going to go to Sac State. I think I kinda already knew I was gonna go there, but now I'm sure.

Saturday should be fun! I can't wait!

Top Ramen is really, really good.

Enthusiasm

I just sent in my application for Sacramento City College. I should be finishing up some financial aid stuff this week, then doing a little more. Then I guess it's just a matter of time til the Fall semester begins. I'm already counting down the days. I hate Tracy. I can't wait to leave!

I can't wait til this weekend. :D

Dreams.

For the past week or so, I've been dreaming of drowning. It's the craziest thing in the world. In my dreams, each sequence seems stretched out forever. I can feel the pressure over my head from the water. I can feel my lungs struggling for air. I feel completley disoriented. I always take the breath in my dreams, and once I do, everything becomes peaceful. And I wake up.

Latley, a lot more than usual, my dreams have been a little different than what I'm used to. They're not so much of the crazy impossible dreams I always have. These dreams are real life events that can actually happen to me. There's nothing 'unusual' about them, except that in the end I drown.


I found this on a website: To dream that you are drowning, signifies that you are overwhelmed by emotions or repressed issues that is coming back to haunt you. You may be proceeding too quickly in trying to discover your unconscious thoughts and therefore must proceed more cautiously and slowly. If you drown to death, then is refers to an emotional rebirth. If your survive the drowning, then a waking relationship or situation will ultimately survive the turmoil.

Hm.

superfluous.

My heart aches already. It's crazy how much you can miss a person. How much you can love a person. It's amazing. I've realized this weekend that this is what I really want. I can take the bad with the good. The good outweights the bad exponentially anyways.

Lately I keep saying that I'm going to quit smoking but I just can't. When it's there it just sounds to fun to pass up. Whatever. Not like I'm ruining my life or anything. It's fucking fun and I like it so suck it biitch. Haha :)

In other news, my dad has completley stopped shaving. I guess that's what happens when you don't have to go to work anymore. Not sure how that's gonna work out, but I have hope. I try not to stress out about it to much.

Last night was amazing. One of those nights I'm sure I'll replay in my head over and over.

I can't wait for senior activities!

My chin feels funny.

Love Day.

Valentines Day was prettyy awesome!

EJ picked me up around 5 and we drove to Dublin. The line for The Cheescake Factory was huge, all the way to Macy's. When we got to the desk the lady said it would be 35 min. just for a pager! So we went to Stoneridge and shopped around and then we came back for a pager, but they were all out! Super ridiculous. We probably weren't going to be seated til around 10 o clock. So we just went back to Stoneridge and bought stuff then decided to just go to Olive Garden in Tracy, since I didn't think the wait would be that long there. The wait was an hour long so we just hung out in EJ's car listening to music and eating chocolate. We finally got seated and we ate then went to back to EJ's house and watched Twilight.

I have the best boyfriend ever.

<3

Twilight Review.

Ok so, I just finished reading New Moon (the second book of the Twilight Series) and I have a lot to say about this here Twilight series. First, Twilight is an extremley addictive series that sucks you in and makes you want to read more and more, although, in essence, it is a literary piece of crap.

Stephanie Meyer seems to give the same type of humor and personality traits to many of the characters. Bella, Edward, and Jacob all seem to have the same kind of sarcasm. The characters also seem very 2 dimensional. Meaning, they're there just to be there. Henry Clearwater for example. His death is just placed in the book as a trap for other greater things. Nothing else is really explored about him, since the only importance he holds is his death. I would have like to have seen his relationship with Charlie and the others, since it affected them so badly. Meyer also uses the same vocabulary over and over again. It gets redundant and reminds you that you are just reading a book. And in all honesty, Bella is suchhh an idiot. How the hell can you spend like 8 months absoutley heartbroken and emotionally deceased? Yes I understand Edward is like God to her, but c'mon, doesn't she have any sense in her? And she actually goes back to him in the story, unquestioningly. Idiot! There are also some plot holes I've mulled over. First, since Edward thirsts for Bella's blood, like what happens when she's on her period? Wouldn't he like go bat crazy and like rape her and then devour her? And, this whole ordeal of turning her into a vampire. Since the main attraction between Edward and Bella is her blood, Bella will become 'bloodless' as a vampire, relinquishing Edward of his attraction to Bella. Then what happens? Huh?

But nonetheless, I've completley fallen for this series. The relationship Bella and Edward share is intense and everything a teenage girl like me would love reading about, since all of us dream of our redonkulously attractive Prince Charming rescuing us from a life of normality. Meyer does do a few things right. There are some really good highlights of the story where you can feel the emotions as you are reading them. This series really evokes emotions out of you like nothing I've read before. the first 2 books are a quintessential example of a simple read and a mesmerizing plotline.

"Before you, Bella, my life was like a moonless night. Very dark, but there were stars-points of light and reason. . . . And then you shot across my sky like a meteor. Suddenly everything was on fire; there was brilliancy, there was beauty. When you were gone, when the meteor had fallen over the horizon, everything went black. Nothing had changed, but my eyes were blinded by the light. I couldn't see the stars anymore. And there was no more reason for anything."

Maybe it's just me.

I don't know why, but I feel like I'm just being lied to all the time. I also feel that this is all unfairly unbalanced. Maybe I just have a really fucked up perception of this. How horrible. Maybe I'm just being irrational.

But what if I'm right?

The ongoing search to find yourself.

This weekend I've realized a lot about myself that I should've known all along. Most of the things I've realized I hate. I hate that I rely on certain people or things to get me through the day. I hate that I hang out with people that I don't even really like. I hate that I'm pretty much viewed as a weak person. Don't mistake my modesty for being weak.

Ugh. All this makes me want to leave this stupid town even more. I'm so sick of everybody in this town. Some a whole lot more than others.

Some days are better, some are really bad. But in the end, I'm the person that decides how my day is going. I'll never let another person bring me down. Reliance is deadly.

I'm all about myself now. I'm my number one priority.

In the Library!

With Karen, Michael Leri and Ricky! Were in English finishing up some essays and me and Karen found some girls essay of how she supports child abuse! What in the wooorld :o

It's rainy today. No good.

No school monday!

Puffy eyes.

So yesterday I stayed home from school so I could finish my Econ project. Buuut, I ended up just hanging out with my mom and going shopping with her. So now I'm home again to try to finish it. It's nice, not going to school for 4 days. I hate school with a burning passion. I've pretty much given up any desire to go to a 4 year, just because I really don't think I'd want to keep up with school to much. Whatever.

I just finished reading Twilight, and I hate to say it, but I think I've become 'one of those' girls who is like completley obsessed with Twilight. It's such an amazing book! I love the intensity of Bella and Edward's relationship. It's cwazy! Me and EJ are gonna watch the movie when he's down. I wish he was here already so we can go watch it!

I really wish I didn't care so much about stuff. I don't like how I've become about this whole ordeal. I wish I could care less about everything, about you. It hinders me.

ideally

I would like to live somewhere completley unindustrialized. With no paved streets or streetlights. No malls, no brand names. I would like to live in a place where humans are actually connected to one another and work together. I would like to live where there is no alcohol or drugs, where recreation is defined by connection with the earth and people around me. I would love to live in luxury that isn't defined by monetary objects, but in contentness in yourself and your surroundings. I want to feel everything this world has to offer me, not the people. I would love to live where I can feel the sand underneath my feet and the sun shining on my skin.

I'd love to leave all the materials I have here for a place like this.

stuff and stuff.

Everything seems to be going back to normal. I can still see the dissapointment and awkwardness my parents have when I'm talking to them, but it'll get better.

EJ left yesterday. I won't seem him for three weeks. I took a few extra shifts at work. Anything to keep me busy.

So I found out that if I were to move to Sac, I'd have a guaranteed job over there.

To bad Sac isn't far enough from Tracy.

Back to school tomorrow. Yuck. Those ladies in the office can suck it.

Hm.

What a day.

I really didn't think a day like this would ever come. They found everything. The bag. The pipe. The lighter. I knew something was wrong yesterday when all my things were moved around. It might as well have been Heroin to them. I mean, yeah I know. A drug is a drug, but there's so many worse things out there than what I had.

They started crying, which made me cry. I've never seen my dad cry. Seriously, like never. He told me that he would do anything for me. He said he would even get a second job just to put me through college. He said he didn't want to see me throw my life away on something like this. And best of all, for the first time in probably a decade, he said he loved me. But he also said he was extremley dissapointed in me. He hated the fact the I would even entertain the thought of using that stuff. He was very soft about it, more dissapointed then mad.

On the other hand, my mom was absolutley outraged. She was so concered about her ass getting in trouble for it. She even said she didn't care that I do it, as long as I don't bring it in the house. She thought EJ gave it to me. Supposedly, someone told her he's a crackhead. But I think she's making these assumptions in her own head, like always.

I feel like the biggest dissapointment ever. But really, it's not even that bad. I am not addicted in any way. I have a 4.0, I've been having one since junior year. I have job that I've almost been working at for a year. I pay my phone bill and gym stuff every month. I surround myself with good company. I'm a fully functioning responsible teenager.

Honestly, I don't see anything wrong with what I did, besides hurting my parents.

I just can't believe this happened.

thoughts.

Weekends always go way to fast. I always dread going back to school. Being stuck in a 4x4 listening to teachers drone on and on. Ughhh. I just keep telling myself 'one more semester. one more semester.'

This friday night was a lot of fun. It's pretty cool I got to go out, spend the night with EJ, and go to Saturday School the next day. I feel fufilled. Ha.

Notorious is a really, really, really good movie. I thought I wouldn't like it at all, but I wasn't bored at all during the whole movie. Weird, huh?

I'm listening to EJ's music player on his myspace right now. Why does he always show me really good music? It's awesome :D

Tomorrow I'll be passing out coupons for my work tomorrow for 2 hours in the dark. Lame. Someone should keep me company.

I think I might want to quit smoking. Maybe.

meeeep.

So today EJ had a little gig at Barista's. He did soo good X) I really think his music is amazing and I think it's awesome he got to play it for people. I'm proud of my behbeh :D

I've pretty much given up in my math class. What the hell is a "co-secent?" :(

I think I have a shopping addiction. No bueno. No bueno at all.

Back to school

sucks. =[


but other than that, everything's been real good. <3

yeah :D

End of the Year!

Christmas: I went over to my aunts house for Christmas. The Lakers vs Celtics game was on and I guess (from what my brother told me) the Celtics were on like a 19 game winning streak or something. To my surprise, I thought the game was interesting and I was really watching it. Lakers won and ended their streak. Woo Hoo? I'm sure I won't care much for basketball after that. As far as gifts go, I got a lot of money, 3 shirts, perfume, a watch, eye shadow, nail polish, Blow Pop Lip Balm, Victoria's Secret gift card (Thank you EJ :D) and Vans. Pretty cool right?

So the other night I got to spend the morning/night with EJ. It was soo nice to wake up to the boy I love laying right next to me. I didn't want to leave! I'm so in love with this boy.

Some good news, so I guess my dad is gonna have a job for a long time! I don't really know the story but I guess 52 of the stores are going to be supported, and his boss even told him to be ready for overtime! That is suuuuch a relief to me. I was stressing over it for such a long time.

So last night was New Year's Eve. Damn, I haven't drank in sooo long. I don't even really like drinking that much. I highly prefer smoking, which we also did. Anyways, everyone was so happy drunk and high, including me. I was actually talking a lot haha. Oh man, it was so much fun! Until I started puking at 5 in the morning. Oh well, it was worth it :D

My EJ was my new years kiss, and I wouldn't have it any other way. <3

Happy 2009! It's starting off really really really good!