one thing.

Our lives intersected, I was moving to fast from point A to B, as you floated as a sightseer from one stop to the next. I had an affliction of rapid-hope loss, no patience, and not a flicker of confidence in human nature. These eyes were growing dull of repetition. And you may not know this, as this surely was just an intersection while I was just trying to find point B and you were looking for sights to be seen, but it gave me hope when it seemed so hopeless. I found something I didn't even look for, but it's what I needed.

And I'm back where I started.

Good thing I already know the drill, and that I'm a little to strong to let it bring me down. Regardless, it's a never ending cycle. Single, Love, Fall Apart, Die inside, Revel in the truths: I'll always be alone, I'll always feel alone. Humanity is going straight to hell. There isn't a genuine person on this planet. Love is never enough, it is never forever, it is never worth the risk, it hurts like hell, and nobody deserves it.

I hate this world, I hate the disgusting filth of the human race and their vapid hungry lives. I hate how selfish everybody is. I hate what it's done to me.

I don't believe in anything.

dream.

First I was at a party with everyone and some random people I didn't know. Me and my friends left because we wanted to go to SF, one of the random people I didn't know came with us. When we got to the city, we had to slide down this steep hill to go to wherever we were going. But once we slid down, we realized somehow that we were in a different time, we were in the past. We all freaked out because we had no idea how to get back to present time and where to even start.

After looking around, we found this scientific instrument that resembled a scale with different particles sitting on top of it, which the amount of each could be read on the screen part of the scale. I don't remember any of the elements, but I guess we figured we had to get the perfect amount of each element on the scale and turn it to the time we wanted to go back to.

It was taking a few days, and we were getting worried that it was hopeless and we were going to be stuck in the past forever. Everyone started getting really really emotional, yelling and screaming and throwing tantrums. When we all did this, and the moment in the dream where I started feeling really depressed, the scale started moving and certain amounts of each element were declining and some were ascending. We all stopped and stared, and realized our feelings set it off.

Next thing I remember we were all on vespa's on the 'time highway' that would take us back to the time we belong to.

Pretty weird, eh?

dream.

Last night I dreamt I went to the city and did nothing but walk down the streets. But I thought it was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen, my head was facing up the entire time, looking at everything there was to look at. The streets were grandiose and the buildings were elegant and beautiful. The same city I've seen, from a new perspective.

I can't wait to call this place my home. 3 more months.

sunday.

I haven't written in this in a while. =o

I've been working like crazy. Good thing, I need the money, or I'll be poor when I move to the city. I've been thinking about moving a lot latley, and I thought about the bad for the first time. I'm scared I won't like my job out there, scared ties aren't as strong as they should be, and I'll be left taking a backseat. Worried I might be to socially awkward to meet new people, worried I might be wasting all this money for something that won't work out. But I'm so fed up with mediocracy, I don't want to stay here. I don't know.

Spent a lot of time with the family this week. It's been really nice. They are all I really need.

Even though I have a lot of really good friends that I love, and friendships I don't think I could live without, I still feel like when it comes down to it, I'm still alone. Like nobody really gets me. Or appreciates it. And that I can only depend on myself.

March is coming.

just say it.

I haven't written in this in a while. I guess the Senior O project is done, seems like everyone lost interest at the same time. It was fun while it lasted. Only sucks that I've noticed I haven't been writing as much since I stopped. It could be that, or just lack of inspiration, or a combo of both.

Went to the city this weekend and loved it. I belong there.

I've been feeling somewhat neglected. Like I give way more than I receive, or even shown as much love as I give. It hurts, realizing you care more than the other person does, but I'll live. My heart is big for a reason, maybe I just haven't found the right person to share it with.

Lent is coming up, and even though I'm not religious, I want to try and give something up. I like the concept of giving up something important to you for a while. Not sure what I want to give up, but I need to figure it out fast.

Fuck being sick. -_-

I need some inspiration.

troubles and prosperity.

Here's something I've never told anyone. I feel like I live two different lives with two different mes. Going to two different kinds of people. Both lives have different strengths and weaknesses, though I like both separate and this is more of an observation than a need for change. Don't fix what isn't broken, you know?

I've been floating on the good cloud of Karma. Shit's good, it's golden. Had a really good weekend, made a lot of memories, thanked Whoeversoutthere for such good company. I've also decided I'm going to start a new project for myself, the good deeds project. Not sure about the details, but basically I'm going to do good deeds everyday and ask others to pass them along. Should be simple. We learned this kind of thing in elementary school, right? These little projects keep me going.

I've been thinking a lot about self-improvement and actually took a painful look at my own faults. I don't like negativity, I avoid it most times, but this was necessary. It's something I've been wanting to deal with but mostly ignored. There's some things about me that I don't like that I want to change. Today something happened I didn't like, and it was the first time I noticed this fault of mine, though it's been going on for years. I guess it was okay in the beginning, but not now. This will be my biggest fault of mine I want to rid.

Secret: I can't comprehend love anymore. When I see it displayed on television, movies, ads, I think 'ick. stupid. fake. gross. pointless', or just thinking nothing of it at all. Nobody really interests me anymore whatsoever. Valentine's Day is coming up. This will be the first year I've spent it alone since 7th grade, but I really don't care. Even a little happy about this fact. I guess what I'm trying to say is, I don't care for love or romance anymore. Not in an unhappy way, just in a, 'whatever it really doesn't matter' kind of way, you know? Is something wrong with me?

Bye.

Saying 'Bye' to everyone is sometimes really awkward. I don't know if it's just me, but I kind of don't really see the point of hugging every single person in a room when I'm leaving, or even really hugging goodbye in general. If I do hug people, it'll be whoever is on the way to the door! And plus, there's always those people in the room who you really don't know that well but since your giving everyone a hug goodbye, it would be rude if you didn't give them a hug, but that's awkward because you hardly know them. Wow, you know what. I just realized how much I hate these kinds of things, but yet I've been assimilating myself to this custom for a few months now. I think I'm going to stop this from now on. You're only getting a hug if you're on my way out the door.

Have you ever dated someone, and you guys spent the day together or whatever, and you're about to go home and it takes like, 10 minutes for you guys to say bye to each other? The hopeless romantic in me secretly loves things like this. Guilty pleasure. And you keep hugging and saying 'okay i have to go' and 'alright one more kiss' and 'text me later' and then you remember something and are talking about it for like a minute, so then you have to start saying bye all over again. You know? :)

It's always awkward saying bye to people when you're talking on aim. I hate when I want to get off the computer and someone is taking foreverrr to say Bye back to me. I've stopped caring though, and usually just sign off immediately after saying bye. I get a lot of random offline messages this way. =o

Steal.

Haha, funny subject. So I knew this girl, let's just call her M. She was this crazy clepto I knew that would go on crazy 'shopping' sprees. She would go with her friend and they had a list of stores they would hit up. Lathrop, Tracy and Livermore Targets, Barnes and Noble, Micheals, Rue 21 in Manteca, Ross, and Gap. At the end of the day, they would count up how much money the had 'saved', and together it would easily be around $600-$700. They were craaazy! But, that was a while ago and they don't do that anymore.

M still does sometimes in small quantities and for make up, but nothing big anymore. Kinda sad. :/

How do people get away with stealing things like cars and robbing banks? That's a little too extreme and they most likely always get caught. They have a lot of balls to do that though.

I think everyone has stolen something in their life. The last thing I stole was a pin the tail on the donkey game from the dollar store. Haha :D

scents

I've heard that scent is the strongest tie to memory, and I think it's really true. The other day at work, I helped a customer who smelled (weirdly) like plastic, like my barbies I grew up with, and seriously for like 5 minutes after I helped her I couldn't think of anything else but barbies.

My favorite scents are strawberry, waffle's that I make at work (even though it gets stuck in my hair), fresh air, my hair if it just gets a litttle wet, fresh out of the dryer clothes, new books, my mom's cooking, and the store payless. =P

It's weird how people have scents too. I've been told I smell like soap, and other random components people haven't been able pin-point. :o I knew this kid that smelled like Carls JR. He would smell himself and be like 'What smells so good?! Oh, it's me!' HAHA. Some of my friends just naturally smell really good. That's a little weird though, so I won't name names. Hahaha.

Whey

Whey? Isn't that the stuff that comes from the fat of milk? Or something like that. o_0 WEIRD! What do people even do with that stuff anyways. Do they turn it into a big fatty whey snowball and throw it at people? Haha, can you imagine that, being hit by this huge ball of fat? Yuck.

I've also heard the term 'Whey Protein' I think? Fat protein? Is that healthy for you? And how do you get your daily dose of whey protein? I feel like this entire entry has been a bunch of questions.

I knew this kid that used to call me Way Way, that Asian girl from that movie Stick It (?)

That's about it for this one..

a real blog.

Whoa, I haven't actually blogged in this in a while :o

All of the one word blogs are part of a class a friend of mine is taking called Senior Odyssey that I decided to start participating in also. You get a random word every day and spend about 5 minutes writing about it. Pretty cool yeah?

February just rolled in, and time flies by so fucking fast. I swear to god it was JUST November, and it's already Feb. 2010? So weird. 2010 has been treating me pretty good so far. :) I'm still sticking with the '2010 is going to be one of the best years' mentality. Positivity, positivity, positivity.

Moving out is approaching a lot sooner, and I'm so ready! I can't wait to leave this small town and call San Francisco my home. Luckily, I'll have my good friends coming along with me :) Even better.

I've been writing so so so much more now, and it feels really good to be getting back to my roots. I even tried my hand at song-writing, which I never really liked doing. But I figured, I might as well start practicing. Honestly, I think its the Senior O project that made me start writing more.

Closing 5 nights this week. Woohoo. D:

Cheers to the GK crew and the Biblical Family <3 :D

Dream.

I was in a classroom, but it was huuge, like a movie theatre. I was sitting next to some guy that I didn't know but I was talking to him and he was nice. The teacher was that mean bitch I had in summer school p.e.

After that, I was in a trailer with random people. S, B, and I'm guessing B's relatives. They were weird. We went outside of the trailer and we were in the middle of a forest. Nobody knew exactly where we were, but I recognized the place from science camp. I tried to tell them this, I knew in my head how to get home and everything, but I would open my mouth and no voice would come out. I would try to yell, talk, whisper, but I couldn't say anything. It was pretty scary.

Then, we ended up in the next town over, which looked very similar to Tracy, but it wasn't Tracy. We were all in the area of what Lincoln Park would be, if this was Tracy. And now I was with Katie B, Moose, Daniel, Nick, and Rene. The high school was having some huuuge parade so we went over and watched it. One group of the paraders had people who represented a drug. The guy who represented acid came up to me and was saying weird ass shit. Idk. Then, Daniel was talking to me about guns and shootings and shit, and I sat and listened. We smoked a blunt, and then we all decided it was time to leave. Everyone was walking away and I must have been distracted or something because I was all by myself. Then, out of nowhere, Rene drives up in this niiiice red sports car and he tells me he doesn't want to go home so I get in the car, and he starts driving like a maniiiac. He was driving really really fast and recklessley and Katie saw us and Rene drove by her. I then, in the corner of my eye saw Katie B steal someone else's car and started following us. Rene drove down the high school and they were having their homecoming dance. There was some random bitch outside crying. Then, we went behind the dance and there was a tent where people could get dressed. I went back there and saw some kids I knew from high school getting ready for the dance.

And that's all I remember. Why do I have the weirdest dreams?

Groan.

Hearing the word groan makes me want to groan! I try my best not to bitch and groan about things, but I probably do when I forget I'm supposed to be trying not to. But yeah, do you remember in high school how whenever the teacher would say something like "Test today!" or "If everyone doesn't stop talking I'll keep you guys for 5 minutes after the bell!" and like everyone in the class instantly groans or lets some verbal dissapointment show? HAHA. It's stupid moments like these I'll miss from high school.

Like I said before, I try not to groan, but I have to admit, I groan mentally a lot. For example, I groan in my head whenever....: I hear a shitty song come on the radio, Whenever I'm hanging out with people and I find out someone I don't really like is going to come over also, Whenever I realize I have to take a piss every 20 minutes after drinking beer, Watching that part in Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix where Harry goes into Snape's head and see's how much of a jerk his father really was because its just THAT painful to watch, When that first chip on your perfectly poished nails appears, Whenever someone stupid opens there mouth to say something equally stupid.

Wow, my head hurts after writing this. *Groan*

profit.

What exactly is a profit? Can it be defined by something physical, like actual money and material gains? Or can profit also be defined by emotional/non-materialistic gaining? I guess if you look at it that way, it can be both. At my work, we had some big meeting about stealing, and our owner came in and talked to us about how the system worked. How basically, for every ice cream we sell, the profit it only 15 cents for them. When I first heard this, i though wow, that's not a lot. But then, I really thought about it, and yeah dude! that is a lot. EVERY cold stone they own, for EVERY ice cream they sell, yeah it adds up. My owners are so fucking ridiculous with their money, yet they are stingy as fuck. Profit = Greed. Yupp.

Have you realized how expensive things are just because of the concept of profit. Think about it, a store will buy something from someone else, which they will then sell for at least double the price of what they bought it at, just to be back at zero, then they add another percentage of money on top of that to cover there payroll, advertisements, store maintenance, miscellaneous expenses and what not. CRAZY!

Rain.

I'm not really a big fan of rain. I absolutley hate dark, gray, gloomy skies. I think a lot of people agree with me on this. The past week or 2, it's been raining non-stop and it really puts a damper on my mood most days, making me want to stay indoors and introverted. No bueno.

There was actually one day last week when the rain didn't really bother me. It was a morning where I had nothing to do so I went out for a walk. Me and my umbrella walked up the streets that branch off of Parker that I usually just glance down. I found some really pretty houses that I had never seen before, and there weren't many people out since it was raining. That made me a little happy, because I hate awkwardly walking by other walkers trying to avoid awkward eye contact. Anyways, I guess I owe the rain a thank you for that day. But I'm so over it, so go away rain! Please. (:

Sea

The sea is really crazy to me. It's so weird to think about all the critters and animals that live underwater and how different life is for them compared to us land-dwellers. Sea animals are the coolest of all animals out there, I mean there are octopuses, huuuge whales, sharks, intelligent dolphins, sea stars, crabs, fish, that one fish that has a light on its head, and yeah you get it. I would totally trade places with a sea animal for a day if I could.

Anyways, I don't know why, but when I saw the word sea, I though of the song "Oh you are the roots that sleep beneath my feet and hold the earth in place" by Bright Eyes. I don't know why, I think there might be a verse in there about the ocean, I'll have to look it up.

One of my favorite things about the sea is when you go to the beach and you stand at the very shallow end and wait for the tide to go up, and eventually you start moving closer and the tide gets really strong and pushes you into the ocean. It's kind of scary but really fun. Everytime I go to the beach I have to get in the water, no matter how cold it is. My friends think I'm crazy for this, cause sometimes that water is coooold.

Turtles live in the sea. "I like turtles." :D

I

What a broad topic. Uh, I am Joy Subaran, 5'2", Filipino, thick black hair, always painted fingernails, has really weird mannerisms. I was born in So Cal, but didn't stay there for long and now living in Tracy.

Other things about me... I love animals a little to much. I've never came across a dog I don't think is cute, except for one (BEL, who I heard is the demon dog itself). I'm always zoned out or day dreaming, this annoys other people because it usually means I'm not paying attention to them. Haha. I'm a very happy person, please don't rain on my parade. I like to walk around town when I have nothing to do in the mornings. I always have really weird in-depth dreams. Without my friends I wouldn't be happy, I would be nothing. Life is constantly changing for me, every couple months I feel like my life always flips so much.

My biggest flaw is the social anxiety I sometimes get, I hate being thrown into a room with a ton of people I don't know. I don't like small talk, filler conversation means nothing so why have it? I hate when people blabber endlessly about thing I will never remember or even remotley care about just so they can fill the silence. Silence is a virtue sometimes. When I listen to a song, I really try to listen to it, all the instruments in the background, the meaning of lyrics. I think I'm afraid of falling in love. Lady GaGa is my hero, forever.

My favorite qualities about myself is having a huge heart, compassion, and loyalty. I don't mind going out of my way for people I care about. I'm a people-pleaser, and I'm not sure if that hinders me or helps me. Sometimes I just like to be by myself. I don't know what I want to be when I grow up. For a while, I was stuck in a Peter Pan mindset, but I've gotten over that.

I'm just really weird.

Monster.

Monster is a really good song by Lady GaGa! But anyways, I never really feared a monster growing up. I was more afraid of ghosts and bugs. :o I guess.

Actually, monster doesn't really tie negatively to me. When I think of the word 'Monster' I instantly think of Sulley from Monster's Inc. Or flubber! Maybe there is a secret race of nice monsters, like Hagrid! Idk.

I don't know what else to put. :O

Career.

Career Shmareer. If I could honestly choose a career, I would be a housewife. I honestly would love to stay at home with the kids and be able to watch Oprah everyday. And, I really wouldn't mind being in the kitchen a lot either cooking food for the family. Cooking is really fun and being housewife is just like being your own boss but you get to stay home all day with the kids. So exciting.

Anyways, since that probably isn't going to happen, I suppose I will find a career in writing hopefully. If that doesn't work out, I think I'll probably just be forced into a humdrum career that pays a lot of money. I honestly hope that doesn't happen, and I could just write books for a living. We'll see!

Other careers I'd maybe want to do would be a teacher, professional crafter (does that exist?), bookstore/coffee shop owner, Some behind the scenes job for Late Night television shows, preferably for Conan O'Brien, and working at a zoo. Who knows.

High School Cliques

High School cliques are really weird to me. I didn't really belong to any high school clique, so I would kindov watch from the outside all of highschool and analyze and think about the various cliques at my school.

I remember in my high school all of the popular kids would sit in Senior Court on the waterfall ledge. I remember me and my friend would joke about one day going up to them and sitting on their spot and wondering what they would say to us. The weird anime kids and fat losers would sit in Yamasaki Plaza, which is free entertainment for any students walking by. Those kids are crazy! Then there were the drama/band kids who were semi-popular but were a little weird to me.

Have you ever played that game 'Cliques'? So much fun, and painfully truthful, but everyone still plays it anyways and laughs and forgets the true meaning of the game.

Children

Children are the most free people I can think of. The other day I was walking around and the elementary school I live by got out. As I was walking (it was raining BTW) I saw this group of 3 children who were running and playing tag and pushing each other into the ground and laughing and just having fun. It really made me happy, but I was thinking if I wanted to do something like that in the middle of the street everyone would look at me like I'm crazy. So not fair.

I kind of feel like I was cheated out of a really fun childhood, because I was so docile. I used to be really afraid of breaking rules, kind of weird. Now that I look back, I should've broken all the rules because it really didn't matter back then.

I also see a lot of children where I work. Unfortunately it is usually not a positive experience, and has actually led me to the decision of not wanting kids. I swear, I see way to many bitchy 5 year olds throwing crazy bitch fits just because mommy wouldn't let them get sprinkles on their pretty little cotton candy cone. UGH!

hometown.

So hometown. I guess my original hometown would be in San Diego, but I moved away when I was really young, so I don't remember much. I do remember heavy fog in the morning and waking up early to go outside and play in it. I remember caterpillar hunting with my best friend and sister. I remember riding our bikes everywhere, except sometimes they wouldn't let me come with them cuz I was too young and my bike was pink. :(

Anyways, I guess Tracy is semi my hometown. Hm what to say about Tracy. For the first 5 years I lived here I didn't really know anything about this town. I mostly stayed at home and hung out with my siblings, we were really close. It wasn't til I was 13, did I actually really go outside and learn street names of the town and different areas. I swear, before this I only knew where the Mall, Wal Mart, a few schools, and a handful of street names were. It wasn't until I started hanging out with my friends Amanda and Rene that I got to really know the town.

A lot of people say they hate this town, and I do sometimes, but it's really not as horrible. After hearing of other towns that only have gas stations and fast food, I'm so thankful for what this town has to offer. Like, at least there's public transportation, a few chill spots like Starbucks and whatnot, and yeeah. Not that bad (:

cabin.

So today's the first day back home in Tracy. I had so much fun at the cabin, best $70 ever spent! I have so many memories and experiences I'll never forget. Sorry if it's cheesy, but I feel really bonded to everyone who went. Waking up and spending all day with everyone is so different from what I'm used to. I'm really gonna miss it so much. I loved stepping out on the balcony and seeing the forest as the backyard, fresh air, sitting down for meals with everyone, LOHLing, sliding down the stairs, hella hella hella sessions, drinks, jumping on beds, the snow, good conversation, my room, the mud room, everything.

I've been kindov sad since I got back home. I honestly miss the company, how there was always something to do, wondering around the cabin. :( I think I've taken a lot away from the trip, now I know I'm so ready to move out.

I'll post pictures later.

this time i'll be bulletproof.

2010 is here! I have really good feelings about this year. (:

My New Year's was a lot of fun. Tool sheds, dancing, champagne, friends, making breakfast the next day, and yeah. Awesome way to start the new year. Too bad I didn't take a lot of pictures. :(

So I'm going to the cabin this year and I'm pretty excited! I've never actually really seen snow, so that'll be coool. And I'm really looking forward to hang out with everyone and get to know people better. And just to get out of Tracy and be surrounded by trees and nature and such. (:

I've just been really really happy lately. About everything and anything. I find myself enjoying the little things so much; the Christmas lights still up in the shopping center I work at, the colors of the leaves on trees, staying in a lot with my family, I don't know. I'm just happy to be where I am and know who I am and have such good friendships. And it's been like this since October and I can't believe that finally, after what feels like my entire life, of chasing and trying to find happiness, it just appeared in my life without even having to try. I just stopped and let myself breathe, just lived in my own skin, and now I'm smiling ear to ear all the time. And it's genuine this time. <3

I wish I could make everyone feel the way I feel. I hope everyone reaches a point like this. The view's a lot different from up here.