sunday.

I haven't written in this in a while. =o

I've been working like crazy. Good thing, I need the money, or I'll be poor when I move to the city. I've been thinking about moving a lot latley, and I thought about the bad for the first time. I'm scared I won't like my job out there, scared ties aren't as strong as they should be, and I'll be left taking a backseat. Worried I might be to socially awkward to meet new people, worried I might be wasting all this money for something that won't work out. But I'm so fed up with mediocracy, I don't want to stay here. I don't know.

Spent a lot of time with the family this week. It's been really nice. They are all I really need.

Even though I have a lot of really good friends that I love, and friendships I don't think I could live without, I still feel like when it comes down to it, I'm still alone. Like nobody really gets me. Or appreciates it. And that I can only depend on myself.

March is coming.

just say it.

I haven't written in this in a while. I guess the Senior O project is done, seems like everyone lost interest at the same time. It was fun while it lasted. Only sucks that I've noticed I haven't been writing as much since I stopped. It could be that, or just lack of inspiration, or a combo of both.

Went to the city this weekend and loved it. I belong there.

I've been feeling somewhat neglected. Like I give way more than I receive, or even shown as much love as I give. It hurts, realizing you care more than the other person does, but I'll live. My heart is big for a reason, maybe I just haven't found the right person to share it with.

Lent is coming up, and even though I'm not religious, I want to try and give something up. I like the concept of giving up something important to you for a while. Not sure what I want to give up, but I need to figure it out fast.

Fuck being sick. -_-

I need some inspiration.

troubles and prosperity.

Here's something I've never told anyone. I feel like I live two different lives with two different mes. Going to two different kinds of people. Both lives have different strengths and weaknesses, though I like both separate and this is more of an observation than a need for change. Don't fix what isn't broken, you know?

I've been floating on the good cloud of Karma. Shit's good, it's golden. Had a really good weekend, made a lot of memories, thanked Whoeversoutthere for such good company. I've also decided I'm going to start a new project for myself, the good deeds project. Not sure about the details, but basically I'm going to do good deeds everyday and ask others to pass them along. Should be simple. We learned this kind of thing in elementary school, right? These little projects keep me going.

I've been thinking a lot about self-improvement and actually took a painful look at my own faults. I don't like negativity, I avoid it most times, but this was necessary. It's something I've been wanting to deal with but mostly ignored. There's some things about me that I don't like that I want to change. Today something happened I didn't like, and it was the first time I noticed this fault of mine, though it's been going on for years. I guess it was okay in the beginning, but not now. This will be my biggest fault of mine I want to rid.

Secret: I can't comprehend love anymore. When I see it displayed on television, movies, ads, I think 'ick. stupid. fake. gross. pointless', or just thinking nothing of it at all. Nobody really interests me anymore whatsoever. Valentine's Day is coming up. This will be the first year I've spent it alone since 7th grade, but I really don't care. Even a little happy about this fact. I guess what I'm trying to say is, I don't care for love or romance anymore. Not in an unhappy way, just in a, 'whatever it really doesn't matter' kind of way, you know? Is something wrong with me?

Bye.

Saying 'Bye' to everyone is sometimes really awkward. I don't know if it's just me, but I kind of don't really see the point of hugging every single person in a room when I'm leaving, or even really hugging goodbye in general. If I do hug people, it'll be whoever is on the way to the door! And plus, there's always those people in the room who you really don't know that well but since your giving everyone a hug goodbye, it would be rude if you didn't give them a hug, but that's awkward because you hardly know them. Wow, you know what. I just realized how much I hate these kinds of things, but yet I've been assimilating myself to this custom for a few months now. I think I'm going to stop this from now on. You're only getting a hug if you're on my way out the door.

Have you ever dated someone, and you guys spent the day together or whatever, and you're about to go home and it takes like, 10 minutes for you guys to say bye to each other? The hopeless romantic in me secretly loves things like this. Guilty pleasure. And you keep hugging and saying 'okay i have to go' and 'alright one more kiss' and 'text me later' and then you remember something and are talking about it for like a minute, so then you have to start saying bye all over again. You know? :)

It's always awkward saying bye to people when you're talking on aim. I hate when I want to get off the computer and someone is taking foreverrr to say Bye back to me. I've stopped caring though, and usually just sign off immediately after saying bye. I get a lot of random offline messages this way. =o

Steal.

Haha, funny subject. So I knew this girl, let's just call her M. She was this crazy clepto I knew that would go on crazy 'shopping' sprees. She would go with her friend and they had a list of stores they would hit up. Lathrop, Tracy and Livermore Targets, Barnes and Noble, Micheals, Rue 21 in Manteca, Ross, and Gap. At the end of the day, they would count up how much money the had 'saved', and together it would easily be around $600-$700. They were craaazy! But, that was a while ago and they don't do that anymore.

M still does sometimes in small quantities and for make up, but nothing big anymore. Kinda sad. :/

How do people get away with stealing things like cars and robbing banks? That's a little too extreme and they most likely always get caught. They have a lot of balls to do that though.

I think everyone has stolen something in their life. The last thing I stole was a pin the tail on the donkey game from the dollar store. Haha :D

scents

I've heard that scent is the strongest tie to memory, and I think it's really true. The other day at work, I helped a customer who smelled (weirdly) like plastic, like my barbies I grew up with, and seriously for like 5 minutes after I helped her I couldn't think of anything else but barbies.

My favorite scents are strawberry, waffle's that I make at work (even though it gets stuck in my hair), fresh air, my hair if it just gets a litttle wet, fresh out of the dryer clothes, new books, my mom's cooking, and the store payless. =P

It's weird how people have scents too. I've been told I smell like soap, and other random components people haven't been able pin-point. :o I knew this kid that smelled like Carls JR. He would smell himself and be like 'What smells so good?! Oh, it's me!' HAHA. Some of my friends just naturally smell really good. That's a little weird though, so I won't name names. Hahaha.

Whey

Whey? Isn't that the stuff that comes from the fat of milk? Or something like that. o_0 WEIRD! What do people even do with that stuff anyways. Do they turn it into a big fatty whey snowball and throw it at people? Haha, can you imagine that, being hit by this huge ball of fat? Yuck.

I've also heard the term 'Whey Protein' I think? Fat protein? Is that healthy for you? And how do you get your daily dose of whey protein? I feel like this entire entry has been a bunch of questions.

I knew this kid that used to call me Way Way, that Asian girl from that movie Stick It (?)

That's about it for this one..

a real blog.

Whoa, I haven't actually blogged in this in a while :o

All of the one word blogs are part of a class a friend of mine is taking called Senior Odyssey that I decided to start participating in also. You get a random word every day and spend about 5 minutes writing about it. Pretty cool yeah?

February just rolled in, and time flies by so fucking fast. I swear to god it was JUST November, and it's already Feb. 2010? So weird. 2010 has been treating me pretty good so far. :) I'm still sticking with the '2010 is going to be one of the best years' mentality. Positivity, positivity, positivity.

Moving out is approaching a lot sooner, and I'm so ready! I can't wait to leave this small town and call San Francisco my home. Luckily, I'll have my good friends coming along with me :) Even better.

I've been writing so so so much more now, and it feels really good to be getting back to my roots. I even tried my hand at song-writing, which I never really liked doing. But I figured, I might as well start practicing. Honestly, I think its the Senior O project that made me start writing more.

Closing 5 nights this week. Woohoo. D:

Cheers to the GK crew and the Biblical Family <3 :D

Dream.

I was in a classroom, but it was huuge, like a movie theatre. I was sitting next to some guy that I didn't know but I was talking to him and he was nice. The teacher was that mean bitch I had in summer school p.e.

After that, I was in a trailer with random people. S, B, and I'm guessing B's relatives. They were weird. We went outside of the trailer and we were in the middle of a forest. Nobody knew exactly where we were, but I recognized the place from science camp. I tried to tell them this, I knew in my head how to get home and everything, but I would open my mouth and no voice would come out. I would try to yell, talk, whisper, but I couldn't say anything. It was pretty scary.

Then, we ended up in the next town over, which looked very similar to Tracy, but it wasn't Tracy. We were all in the area of what Lincoln Park would be, if this was Tracy. And now I was with Katie B, Moose, Daniel, Nick, and Rene. The high school was having some huuuge parade so we went over and watched it. One group of the paraders had people who represented a drug. The guy who represented acid came up to me and was saying weird ass shit. Idk. Then, Daniel was talking to me about guns and shootings and shit, and I sat and listened. We smoked a blunt, and then we all decided it was time to leave. Everyone was walking away and I must have been distracted or something because I was all by myself. Then, out of nowhere, Rene drives up in this niiiice red sports car and he tells me he doesn't want to go home so I get in the car, and he starts driving like a maniiiac. He was driving really really fast and recklessley and Katie saw us and Rene drove by her. I then, in the corner of my eye saw Katie B steal someone else's car and started following us. Rene drove down the high school and they were having their homecoming dance. There was some random bitch outside crying. Then, we went behind the dance and there was a tent where people could get dressed. I went back there and saw some kids I knew from high school getting ready for the dance.

And that's all I remember. Why do I have the weirdest dreams?