Groan.

Hearing the word groan makes me want to groan! I try my best not to bitch and groan about things, but I probably do when I forget I'm supposed to be trying not to. But yeah, do you remember in high school how whenever the teacher would say something like "Test today!" or "If everyone doesn't stop talking I'll keep you guys for 5 minutes after the bell!" and like everyone in the class instantly groans or lets some verbal dissapointment show? HAHA. It's stupid moments like these I'll miss from high school.

Like I said before, I try not to groan, but I have to admit, I groan mentally a lot. For example, I groan in my head whenever....: I hear a shitty song come on the radio, Whenever I'm hanging out with people and I find out someone I don't really like is going to come over also, Whenever I realize I have to take a piss every 20 minutes after drinking beer, Watching that part in Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix where Harry goes into Snape's head and see's how much of a jerk his father really was because its just THAT painful to watch, When that first chip on your perfectly poished nails appears, Whenever someone stupid opens there mouth to say something equally stupid.

Wow, my head hurts after writing this. *Groan*

profit.

What exactly is a profit? Can it be defined by something physical, like actual money and material gains? Or can profit also be defined by emotional/non-materialistic gaining? I guess if you look at it that way, it can be both. At my work, we had some big meeting about stealing, and our owner came in and talked to us about how the system worked. How basically, for every ice cream we sell, the profit it only 15 cents for them. When I first heard this, i though wow, that's not a lot. But then, I really thought about it, and yeah dude! that is a lot. EVERY cold stone they own, for EVERY ice cream they sell, yeah it adds up. My owners are so fucking ridiculous with their money, yet they are stingy as fuck. Profit = Greed. Yupp.

Have you realized how expensive things are just because of the concept of profit. Think about it, a store will buy something from someone else, which they will then sell for at least double the price of what they bought it at, just to be back at zero, then they add another percentage of money on top of that to cover there payroll, advertisements, store maintenance, miscellaneous expenses and what not. CRAZY!

Rain.

I'm not really a big fan of rain. I absolutley hate dark, gray, gloomy skies. I think a lot of people agree with me on this. The past week or 2, it's been raining non-stop and it really puts a damper on my mood most days, making me want to stay indoors and introverted. No bueno.

There was actually one day last week when the rain didn't really bother me. It was a morning where I had nothing to do so I went out for a walk. Me and my umbrella walked up the streets that branch off of Parker that I usually just glance down. I found some really pretty houses that I had never seen before, and there weren't many people out since it was raining. That made me a little happy, because I hate awkwardly walking by other walkers trying to avoid awkward eye contact. Anyways, I guess I owe the rain a thank you for that day. But I'm so over it, so go away rain! Please. (:

Sea

The sea is really crazy to me. It's so weird to think about all the critters and animals that live underwater and how different life is for them compared to us land-dwellers. Sea animals are the coolest of all animals out there, I mean there are octopuses, huuuge whales, sharks, intelligent dolphins, sea stars, crabs, fish, that one fish that has a light on its head, and yeah you get it. I would totally trade places with a sea animal for a day if I could.

Anyways, I don't know why, but when I saw the word sea, I though of the song "Oh you are the roots that sleep beneath my feet and hold the earth in place" by Bright Eyes. I don't know why, I think there might be a verse in there about the ocean, I'll have to look it up.

One of my favorite things about the sea is when you go to the beach and you stand at the very shallow end and wait for the tide to go up, and eventually you start moving closer and the tide gets really strong and pushes you into the ocean. It's kind of scary but really fun. Everytime I go to the beach I have to get in the water, no matter how cold it is. My friends think I'm crazy for this, cause sometimes that water is coooold.

Turtles live in the sea. "I like turtles." :D

I

What a broad topic. Uh, I am Joy Subaran, 5'2", Filipino, thick black hair, always painted fingernails, has really weird mannerisms. I was born in So Cal, but didn't stay there for long and now living in Tracy.

Other things about me... I love animals a little to much. I've never came across a dog I don't think is cute, except for one (BEL, who I heard is the demon dog itself). I'm always zoned out or day dreaming, this annoys other people because it usually means I'm not paying attention to them. Haha. I'm a very happy person, please don't rain on my parade. I like to walk around town when I have nothing to do in the mornings. I always have really weird in-depth dreams. Without my friends I wouldn't be happy, I would be nothing. Life is constantly changing for me, every couple months I feel like my life always flips so much.

My biggest flaw is the social anxiety I sometimes get, I hate being thrown into a room with a ton of people I don't know. I don't like small talk, filler conversation means nothing so why have it? I hate when people blabber endlessly about thing I will never remember or even remotley care about just so they can fill the silence. Silence is a virtue sometimes. When I listen to a song, I really try to listen to it, all the instruments in the background, the meaning of lyrics. I think I'm afraid of falling in love. Lady GaGa is my hero, forever.

My favorite qualities about myself is having a huge heart, compassion, and loyalty. I don't mind going out of my way for people I care about. I'm a people-pleaser, and I'm not sure if that hinders me or helps me. Sometimes I just like to be by myself. I don't know what I want to be when I grow up. For a while, I was stuck in a Peter Pan mindset, but I've gotten over that.

I'm just really weird.

Monster.

Monster is a really good song by Lady GaGa! But anyways, I never really feared a monster growing up. I was more afraid of ghosts and bugs. :o I guess.

Actually, monster doesn't really tie negatively to me. When I think of the word 'Monster' I instantly think of Sulley from Monster's Inc. Or flubber! Maybe there is a secret race of nice monsters, like Hagrid! Idk.

I don't know what else to put. :O

Career.

Career Shmareer. If I could honestly choose a career, I would be a housewife. I honestly would love to stay at home with the kids and be able to watch Oprah everyday. And, I really wouldn't mind being in the kitchen a lot either cooking food for the family. Cooking is really fun and being housewife is just like being your own boss but you get to stay home all day with the kids. So exciting.

Anyways, since that probably isn't going to happen, I suppose I will find a career in writing hopefully. If that doesn't work out, I think I'll probably just be forced into a humdrum career that pays a lot of money. I honestly hope that doesn't happen, and I could just write books for a living. We'll see!

Other careers I'd maybe want to do would be a teacher, professional crafter (does that exist?), bookstore/coffee shop owner, Some behind the scenes job for Late Night television shows, preferably for Conan O'Brien, and working at a zoo. Who knows.

High School Cliques

High School cliques are really weird to me. I didn't really belong to any high school clique, so I would kindov watch from the outside all of highschool and analyze and think about the various cliques at my school.

I remember in my high school all of the popular kids would sit in Senior Court on the waterfall ledge. I remember me and my friend would joke about one day going up to them and sitting on their spot and wondering what they would say to us. The weird anime kids and fat losers would sit in Yamasaki Plaza, which is free entertainment for any students walking by. Those kids are crazy! Then there were the drama/band kids who were semi-popular but were a little weird to me.

Have you ever played that game 'Cliques'? So much fun, and painfully truthful, but everyone still plays it anyways and laughs and forgets the true meaning of the game.

Children

Children are the most free people I can think of. The other day I was walking around and the elementary school I live by got out. As I was walking (it was raining BTW) I saw this group of 3 children who were running and playing tag and pushing each other into the ground and laughing and just having fun. It really made me happy, but I was thinking if I wanted to do something like that in the middle of the street everyone would look at me like I'm crazy. So not fair.

I kind of feel like I was cheated out of a really fun childhood, because I was so docile. I used to be really afraid of breaking rules, kind of weird. Now that I look back, I should've broken all the rules because it really didn't matter back then.

I also see a lot of children where I work. Unfortunately it is usually not a positive experience, and has actually led me to the decision of not wanting kids. I swear, I see way to many bitchy 5 year olds throwing crazy bitch fits just because mommy wouldn't let them get sprinkles on their pretty little cotton candy cone. UGH!

hometown.

So hometown. I guess my original hometown would be in San Diego, but I moved away when I was really young, so I don't remember much. I do remember heavy fog in the morning and waking up early to go outside and play in it. I remember caterpillar hunting with my best friend and sister. I remember riding our bikes everywhere, except sometimes they wouldn't let me come with them cuz I was too young and my bike was pink. :(

Anyways, I guess Tracy is semi my hometown. Hm what to say about Tracy. For the first 5 years I lived here I didn't really know anything about this town. I mostly stayed at home and hung out with my siblings, we were really close. It wasn't til I was 13, did I actually really go outside and learn street names of the town and different areas. I swear, before this I only knew where the Mall, Wal Mart, a few schools, and a handful of street names were. It wasn't until I started hanging out with my friends Amanda and Rene that I got to really know the town.

A lot of people say they hate this town, and I do sometimes, but it's really not as horrible. After hearing of other towns that only have gas stations and fast food, I'm so thankful for what this town has to offer. Like, at least there's public transportation, a few chill spots like Starbucks and whatnot, and yeeah. Not that bad (:

cabin.

So today's the first day back home in Tracy. I had so much fun at the cabin, best $70 ever spent! I have so many memories and experiences I'll never forget. Sorry if it's cheesy, but I feel really bonded to everyone who went. Waking up and spending all day with everyone is so different from what I'm used to. I'm really gonna miss it so much. I loved stepping out on the balcony and seeing the forest as the backyard, fresh air, sitting down for meals with everyone, LOHLing, sliding down the stairs, hella hella hella sessions, drinks, jumping on beds, the snow, good conversation, my room, the mud room, everything.

I've been kindov sad since I got back home. I honestly miss the company, how there was always something to do, wondering around the cabin. :( I think I've taken a lot away from the trip, now I know I'm so ready to move out.

I'll post pictures later.

this time i'll be bulletproof.

2010 is here! I have really good feelings about this year. (:

My New Year's was a lot of fun. Tool sheds, dancing, champagne, friends, making breakfast the next day, and yeah. Awesome way to start the new year. Too bad I didn't take a lot of pictures. :(

So I'm going to the cabin this year and I'm pretty excited! I've never actually really seen snow, so that'll be coool. And I'm really looking forward to hang out with everyone and get to know people better. And just to get out of Tracy and be surrounded by trees and nature and such. (:

I've just been really really happy lately. About everything and anything. I find myself enjoying the little things so much; the Christmas lights still up in the shopping center I work at, the colors of the leaves on trees, staying in a lot with my family, I don't know. I'm just happy to be where I am and know who I am and have such good friendships. And it's been like this since October and I can't believe that finally, after what feels like my entire life, of chasing and trying to find happiness, it just appeared in my life without even having to try. I just stopped and let myself breathe, just lived in my own skin, and now I'm smiling ear to ear all the time. And it's genuine this time. <3

I wish I could make everyone feel the way I feel. I hope everyone reaches a point like this. The view's a lot different from up here.