lime.

"I choose life at all costs."

"I've loved you from the first day. I think I will love you forever."

"I want to die because I no longer believe in love."

"But I hope someday someone will know how to captivate me."

More.

I liked these. (:
The French are so romantic and so in tune with feelings, genuine. I envy them for that.

Hope everyone had a good Christmas. <3

heartbeats.

Things are back in swing. I love how my life does this to me. I freak out to much, and whenever these little bursts of discontent end, I always look back at that bad week or two and laugh. Life is so beautiful and precious. I can't stand wasting a second of it. I think it's enough just to know that you are loved. Nothing else really matters.

My sister is home for the holidays. I didn't even know she was coming down til yesterday morning! Craziness. I'm definitely feeling the holiday spirit this year, for the first time in yeeears. I just feel so close to my family again, everything is just really warm and nice. Idk how to describe it, haha.

I felt my heart beat the other day. I'm still reeling from the adrenaline it caused. Crazy how these things are so unexpected and just whack you in the head when you least expect it, but in a good way. I decided not to pursue it because that's just not what I want right now. But it's nice to feel that kind of thing again, to know I'm capable of it. Yeah (:

I've been listening to a lot of Bright Eyes, Judy Garland, Billie Holiday, and Tegan and Sara lately. It fits my Winter so much.

I've been working a lot lately, it's been nice. So glad I have tonight off and all of Saturday. Party time! I kindov broke my promise of not drinking until New Year's. Oh well, everything is okay in moderation I guess. Ha.

I think I'm gonna start writing less in this, and putting up more pictures instead.

I love my life.

dream

I don't really remember all of it.

First thing I remember is being at someones house with Rene. Everything is normal, we're sitting and talking about the usual things. I don't remember what happens after this.

Next thing I remember is I'm with Kailee, Rene, Alva, and Nick. We're in front of my apartment and I'm getting something out of my mailbox. We hear really loud sounds (this is where it starts getting weird) and 2 huge guys come out of an apartment and are beating the shit out of some other guy I don't know. They don't see us, but we're scared shitless they're going to kill us if we see them, so we run. We go to the school across the street from where I live and there's a body duffel bag where we decide to hide. (idk why). We open it to discover there is already a dead body inside (a kid I knew last year, no one significant to me. idk why he was in there). Nick pulls him out of the body and idk how, but all of us fit in there and hide.

We wait for a while til we think it's okay to come out. When we come out, there is some huge party/bar and its bumpinnn. I forgot why, but we decide to go in there. But, of course, the dude's we saw murdering the other guy are in there and we freak out. Somehow we get split up. Kailee goes off by herself, Rene and Nick, and me and Alva. This house is CRAZY. It's like a maze, so hard to get out of and confusing as hell.

At one point, me and alva decide the only way to get out is by jumping out the window. We get to the window, and it's probably like a good 3 stories high. But we see we can maybe climb down low enough where its safe to jump. We're sitting on the ledge contemplating this when 2 old guys come up to us. I think they were suspicious of what we were doing and started asking us questions. I think I thought they knew we saw someone get murdered so we try to act casual, answer their questions, so we can leave. They eventually go but they give us the creeeeps.

By now, the sidewalk is full of people and it's morning time. We don't care if people see us, we just wanna fucking leave. So we scale the wall (it was really smooth in my dream, neither of us had problems. haha) and when we're finally on the ground outside we're relieved. I see some old friends outside, AJ, dp, others, random ass people. AJ says he hasn't talked to Rene in a while and I start to get scared that maybe him and Nick got caught.

Then I hear a voice say my name, I turn around and it's that girl who played Caitlin in Caitlin's way. (I knowww right!?) And idk, but I guess we know each other. and... she invites us in. I can't really say no, cuz I guess we're friends. But I do not want to go back in there. We end up going back in there.

This bitch is evil. I know it in my dream. I try to leave as fast as possible but we can't. Desperate, me and Alva decide to try to go through the vents and find an exit. We're in the vents searching for an exit when we finally see a turquoise door. Thinking it's an exit, we open it. Only to see Caitlin laughing evilly at us, like some crazy bitch. Like she's trapped us and is about to kill us. The last thing I remember about the dream is her cackling.

The End.
Weird ass fucking dream.

girlllll.

I've always always always said that I'd never get a tattoo. I never really saw the point in such blatant permanency. BUT I think I found a saying that I this is good enough to be tatood on my body.

"Carpe diem quam minimum credula postero."

Latin for, "Sieze the day, put no trust in the future".

I want to remember that everytime I'm having a bad day, or days where I'm too bored, or days where I just don't appreciate anything. Sieze the day.

No idea where I'd get it done, how I'd get it written or anything. But I'm just excited I found something I find important enough to even consider.

Yeah (:

oldoldold pictures <3

i love it.


















seeing these seriously made my night <333

rut.

Days have been going by really slow lately. I wake up earlier, and the mornings seem to drag on. But night still comes to soon and the cold is a little too cold and I've noticed I've been home a whole lot more lately. I hate the slow pace of these days, I hate the gloomy weather, I hate the rain, I miss hanging out with everyone as often. I miss the way the days used to blur together by excitement and summer. I miss adventures, I miss not caring. I find myself having to much free time with not enough interests. I find myself wishing for someone to talk to on the phone late at night. I'm starting to lose it.

I don't know why I waited for Winter for so long. I think I'm going to go crazy by the end of it.

I want to move somewhere where its always sunny.

>_<

I had a good day yesterday. I went to West High for GSA's little Christmas party with Rene. It was weird being in a high school classroom again. I didn't really talk to anyone besides Rene because honestly those kids were kinda weird, getting all hyped about icarly and whatnot. o_0 After that, we went thrifting, got some pizza, walked a little bit, and watched Pineapple Express. I always feel so comfortable and back at center when I hang out with Rene. So thankful to have a friendship like that.

My work situation has gotten better. Since Janette's leaving in a week, I'll be the primary closer. Which means hella hours, which I guess also means no social life since my nights are gonna be taken up. I'm okay with that, I need the money anyways. I guess I'll just chill out for a while. It's Winter anyways, it seems appropriate.

I was looking at my yearbooks from middle school. I wonder what happened to half of those kids? And all the people I lost touch with that were friends. I always hear things about people from middle school. So and so got knocked up, so and so got arrested, so and so got accepted to an Ivy League school. I wish I could talk to all them, catch up and whatnot. That would be pretty cool.

I fucking hate this gloomy ass weather. It puts me in such a bad mood it's ridiculous. Come back sunshine. :(

I think I'll keep this one short.

too many thoughts.

Yesterday was kindov okay. I felt twice as sick as the day before so I just layed in bed and watched some movies. I had to work last night, which wasn't really fun when you're ill. People are so goddamn rude. Learn some fucking manners. >=( When I got out of work there was a group of loud drunk people sitting outside of starbucks. I was listening in on their conversation, which primarily consisted of alcohol, birth control, and sex. Idk, whatever floats their boat I guess. Also, there was a couple arguing hella loud in the parking lot. Some girl was screaming at her boyfriend and it seemed like they had just broken up right there. This girl was like in hysterics though, I could hear her from so far. From what I heard, it sounded like he cheated on her. I just wanted to give her a big hug and tell her everything was gonna be ok, just give it like a month, tons of good food, and good company and you'll get over it.

I finished reading the book Candy today. It's really bittersweet, and I guess kindof a wake up call. I never want my life to go in that direction, EVER. Even if it was with someone I loved. That's way to much.

So it actually did snow in Tracy. My brother woke me up at 6 a.m. and I went outside to see little snowflakes falling from the sky. I've never seen snow before, so it was pretty cool. Even though I was to sick to really enjoy it.

All I want for Christmas is the Freaks and Geeks DVD, which I'll probably end up buying myself anyways. James Franco <3

I registered for Mountain House Delta the other day. I'll be picking my classes tomorrow. Semi-exciting, I just want to be back in school really. This random semester off was fun and all, but I'm so ready to hit the books and study and learn again. Having a school routine doesn't sound to bad either.

I was thinking about Luis's party the other day and how something happened that made me cry, and I realized that what I've been lacking a lot lately is compassion. I remember when I was younger I had a huge heart, like I would seriously cry for other people's grief. And I remember specifically thinking how embarrassing it was how emotional I got about these kind of things and just put up this wall where I didn't feel what other people felt anymore. And that wall was finally broken down at Luis's house the other night. I don't know, I think I just kind of lost sight of things for a while, and I just feel like me again, and it's nice to be back.

Love is a crazy thing. I was thinking about you and I thought of how much I love you, but in such a different way now. I love you, but I don't want you for myself at all. I just want you to be happy and well. It's this unique, unselfish, friendly love I've never felt before. Best wishes to you, you deserve the best, and I'll always be right by your side. You're truly my best friend for life and I'm so glad you're in my life.

Idk why I've been having way to many thoughts lately, about everything. Life, the little things, family, friends. I think December just brings this kind of thing on. It's nice though, to sit and write these things down.

I quit smoking ciggarettes. Shit's bad for you, you know. Don't know why I ever started.

I feel so much better that I've written this all down.

you and me could write a bad romance.

It's finally December, I feel like I've been waiting forever. I really like Winter and how chill everything becomes.

Yesterday Fran posted the music video we made! I really like it, but idk how to post it on here so just look for it on my facebook page (:

Black Friday shopping was a huge success. Alva and I were in the city before the sun even came up. It was hectic, stores were filled with people shoving and pushing and it made shopping kind of irritating. Whatever though.

This week has been kinda to much. I think I really should slow down for a bit. No more thizz, like ever. No drinking until New Year's and not smoking as much. I just want to chill out, I guess. Be sober. Yeah?

2009 is coming to an end. This year was a good one. Unforgettable to say the least. So happy to be starting the new year happy. 2010's gonna be better, bitch. (: