one thing.

Our lives intersected, I was moving to fast from point A to B, as you floated as a sightseer from one stop to the next. I had an affliction of rapid-hope loss, no patience, and not a flicker of confidence in human nature. These eyes were growing dull of repetition. And you may not know this, as this surely was just an intersection while I was just trying to find point B and you were looking for sights to be seen, but it gave me hope when it seemed so hopeless. I found something I didn't even look for, but it's what I needed.

And I'm back where I started.

Good thing I already know the drill, and that I'm a little to strong to let it bring me down. Regardless, it's a never ending cycle. Single, Love, Fall Apart, Die inside, Revel in the truths: I'll always be alone, I'll always feel alone. Humanity is going straight to hell. There isn't a genuine person on this planet. Love is never enough, it is never forever, it is never worth the risk, it hurts like hell, and nobody deserves it.

I hate this world, I hate the disgusting filth of the human race and their vapid hungry lives. I hate how selfish everybody is. I hate what it's done to me.

I don't believe in anything.

dream.

First I was at a party with everyone and some random people I didn't know. Me and my friends left because we wanted to go to SF, one of the random people I didn't know came with us. When we got to the city, we had to slide down this steep hill to go to wherever we were going. But once we slid down, we realized somehow that we were in a different time, we were in the past. We all freaked out because we had no idea how to get back to present time and where to even start.

After looking around, we found this scientific instrument that resembled a scale with different particles sitting on top of it, which the amount of each could be read on the screen part of the scale. I don't remember any of the elements, but I guess we figured we had to get the perfect amount of each element on the scale and turn it to the time we wanted to go back to.

It was taking a few days, and we were getting worried that it was hopeless and we were going to be stuck in the past forever. Everyone started getting really really emotional, yelling and screaming and throwing tantrums. When we all did this, and the moment in the dream where I started feeling really depressed, the scale started moving and certain amounts of each element were declining and some were ascending. We all stopped and stared, and realized our feelings set it off.

Next thing I remember we were all on vespa's on the 'time highway' that would take us back to the time we belong to.

Pretty weird, eh?

dream.

Last night I dreamt I went to the city and did nothing but walk down the streets. But I thought it was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen, my head was facing up the entire time, looking at everything there was to look at. The streets were grandiose and the buildings were elegant and beautiful. The same city I've seen, from a new perspective.

I can't wait to call this place my home. 3 more months.

sunday.

I haven't written in this in a while. =o

I've been working like crazy. Good thing, I need the money, or I'll be poor when I move to the city. I've been thinking about moving a lot latley, and I thought about the bad for the first time. I'm scared I won't like my job out there, scared ties aren't as strong as they should be, and I'll be left taking a backseat. Worried I might be to socially awkward to meet new people, worried I might be wasting all this money for something that won't work out. But I'm so fed up with mediocracy, I don't want to stay here. I don't know.

Spent a lot of time with the family this week. It's been really nice. They are all I really need.

Even though I have a lot of really good friends that I love, and friendships I don't think I could live without, I still feel like when it comes down to it, I'm still alone. Like nobody really gets me. Or appreciates it. And that I can only depend on myself.

March is coming.

just say it.

I haven't written in this in a while. I guess the Senior O project is done, seems like everyone lost interest at the same time. It was fun while it lasted. Only sucks that I've noticed I haven't been writing as much since I stopped. It could be that, or just lack of inspiration, or a combo of both.

Went to the city this weekend and loved it. I belong there.

I've been feeling somewhat neglected. Like I give way more than I receive, or even shown as much love as I give. It hurts, realizing you care more than the other person does, but I'll live. My heart is big for a reason, maybe I just haven't found the right person to share it with.

Lent is coming up, and even though I'm not religious, I want to try and give something up. I like the concept of giving up something important to you for a while. Not sure what I want to give up, but I need to figure it out fast.

Fuck being sick. -_-

I need some inspiration.

troubles and prosperity.

Here's something I've never told anyone. I feel like I live two different lives with two different mes. Going to two different kinds of people. Both lives have different strengths and weaknesses, though I like both separate and this is more of an observation than a need for change. Don't fix what isn't broken, you know?

I've been floating on the good cloud of Karma. Shit's good, it's golden. Had a really good weekend, made a lot of memories, thanked Whoeversoutthere for such good company. I've also decided I'm going to start a new project for myself, the good deeds project. Not sure about the details, but basically I'm going to do good deeds everyday and ask others to pass them along. Should be simple. We learned this kind of thing in elementary school, right? These little projects keep me going.

I've been thinking a lot about self-improvement and actually took a painful look at my own faults. I don't like negativity, I avoid it most times, but this was necessary. It's something I've been wanting to deal with but mostly ignored. There's some things about me that I don't like that I want to change. Today something happened I didn't like, and it was the first time I noticed this fault of mine, though it's been going on for years. I guess it was okay in the beginning, but not now. This will be my biggest fault of mine I want to rid.

Secret: I can't comprehend love anymore. When I see it displayed on television, movies, ads, I think 'ick. stupid. fake. gross. pointless', or just thinking nothing of it at all. Nobody really interests me anymore whatsoever. Valentine's Day is coming up. This will be the first year I've spent it alone since 7th grade, but I really don't care. Even a little happy about this fact. I guess what I'm trying to say is, I don't care for love or romance anymore. Not in an unhappy way, just in a, 'whatever it really doesn't matter' kind of way, you know? Is something wrong with me?