hm.

Things have been good latley.

Sometimes I wish I had more friends, and that I opened up more. Sometimes I wish I cared about certain things, but when it comes down to it, I think I am honestly happy with the few but amazing friends that I do have.

Yesterday EJ and I went to see Transformers. We went to the movies at 10 to buy tickets, but all shows were sold out. So we just went back to EJ's house and watched s. Darko. It wasn't even thaaat bad, but the DVD wasn't working right so we didn't finish it. Oh well.

Karen and I have saved $2000. (:

I might dye my hair.

I want to cook something.

>_<

All I've been doing today is read magazines about useless ass stuff. Like who Miley Cyrus is dating and which mascara is better and how Lady Gaga used to do crack. People really care about that stuff?

Anyways, yesterday was my day off and it was so nice to relax.

I'm getting nervous about college stuff. I just realized I need to start looking into loans, send in proof of my taxes, sign up for registration, and save up money. I just don't feel like doing any of it right now.

I feel lightheaded.

Work 6-11 tonight. woo.

.

I feel weird right now. I've been doing a lot of thinking. To be sure of myself is probably the one thing I want most. That's it. Everything negative I've ever thought of myself, every reason that holds me back stems from my own self doubt. I wish I could reach out and open up. I want so badly to be a part of what's in front of me, but I still feel incapable. I want to be more than just 'there'. I want so badly to be a part of things. And I feel stupid because everyone is letting me in, I think they even want me to be a part of it, but it's like an internal battle with myself to join. I'm so scared of being judged badly, ending things in bad notes, that I'd rather not open up at all. But I don't want to be like that anymore. I'm realizing this is how I've been for a long time now. I'm pretty sure almost none of my friends even know who I really truly am.

I can't keep shutting people out of my life anymore. My biggest fear is to be lonely. I realize this is all probably in my head, I wish I could break out of these walls I've built so high, that not even I can climb out of them. I feel trapped. I want this so bad, but I don't know if I can bring myself to do it.

I'm just scared.

The worst battles are the ones against yourself.